where is it exactly I don't want to go to? the loneliness of this broken, empty house? the responsibilities of being the "spiritual daughter"? the friends who you use and abuse your compassion, or the friends' compassion I use and abuse? the future plans I see falling apart before my very eyes, and the ever building pressure of knowing what you're going to do once you graduate? that one person who you can't get out of your head, no matter how much you pray God will release you from their grasp? There. I went there. I don't feel any better, in fact, I don't really like the idea of having this whole list of all this crap in my life. It defines me, it makes me who I am, without it, what would I think about? The good things, right? okay...
I have made it through moody with minimal debt on my own. I have a wonderful community of friends who let me use and abuse their compassion when i need it-- gladly. My God is big enough to rebuild and mend the broken relationships in my family. He has a plan in store for me that must be incredible, because I'm sure getting attacked for it now! I have parents who are so supportive of whatever plans God has in store for me, i know they will always be behind me every step of the way. I have desires and passions i know have come from God, and I am learning to hone them and use them for His kingdom.
but, I attempt to fill this time spent fretting over problems, with the "good things". its not nearly as time consuming to worry and plan, as it is to count your blessings, learn, and move on. again the problem of staring at the wall at now, 12:50 arises. So I turn to school. I bought books today, and lucky me! one of them it said right on the syllabus it was just a report that I could do over break. so I fill my time with that. it's not much better than hulu in the way it fills my void, but I sure don't feel as guilty about it!
I'm still trying to fill this void within with man made things, worry, or praise, they still come from me and stem from me and my humanity. nothing can fill the void other than Christ. But how? how do I let Christ be that source of contentment? that purpose for life that I need when i sit at home for 2 weeks with nothing to do? the world may seem life a lost cause, but if I'm not, then it's not. there is hope, and it lies within; for there lies Christ.