blast from the past

I was looking through my email program on my computer, and found an old note that I had written. It was dated August 15, 2008. Almost exactly 2 years ago. I thought it very interesting how much I have grown, since, but also how much I still have to learn.


It's funny how God reveals Himself, and your true self, to you.
In the past few days a gut wrenching realization has hit me. I look in every place and person I'm close to as my primary source for love, attention and affection.

Did you catch the problem with that?

My primary source.

I've ignored the reality that I am loved beyond measure, cherished and showered with affection beyond my deepest need. I've turned my back on the One who never hesitates to whisper I love you. I've stared love in the face and not seen it. I crave something I can only get from my Father, and have been clawing for it here, from others, namely male. Why? I don't know. Maybe it has something to do with my earthly father and our past. I'm not sure.

Whatever it may be, He's calling to me. He's patched me in and stopped my way so much it hurts, and I ache for love. He's left one way ... to Him. I've begun to resent the words "I love you," because they've yet to be said to me by someone here. I've turned to others, that I care about deeply, and sought something from them that was not my place to seek.

I even sought out advice on this very struggle from friends before God. Physical, verbal, emotional affirmation from people is not enough. If anything, it's a temporary fix for my ache. I'm learning, quickly, that this deep need cannot be filled anyplace but one. It hurts. I have confused myself and my feelings for others, twisted affection and namely, attention, into some sort of measurement of my self-worth.

I'm sorry. I'm hurting, but I'm growing. I've got an inkling feeling that this realization, this gradual change, is a huge step in my stroll alongside Jesus. I want to lay underneath the stars, and breathe deep and have a long, long talk. And be held in His arms that never fail, never leave, and are ever caring. Good thing that is exactly what He wants to do with me too.

This is all that I can say, right now.