released

Oh my, it has been so very long since I have been able to write on here. I don't know if anyone reads this blog, but even so, it is good for me to be able to go back and read up on how I have been growing and changing.

walls. Walls are a wonderful thing: they keep the cold out on a winter night, keep the cool in on a hot summer's day, they block out (most) unwanted noise as well as keeping your darkest secrets confined. But there is something else about walls. When you are under siege, the walls are both good and bad, in Lord of the Rings, the walls kept the bad guys out, as well as protected the good guys. In Joshua, they were disintegrated, providing no means of protection. On Masada, the walls are what kept the people inside the city, making it impossible to get out without being seen.

What does it mean to build walls around your heart? How is it that we can see the walls and think that it is a good idea to close everyone we love outside in order to protect our cities? Obviously, for Joshua, the walls had to come down. For Masada, their fortified city fell, as did the fortress in the rock for LOTR.

I have come to a realization over the last few months, that I have built my entire life up on all of the walls that I have. I have so many thick walls that I don't know what to do with, and now that I can see them and want to get rid of them to some extent, it makes me sick to think about breaking down my wall to the siege that God is holding against my heart.

Thankfully, God is persistant, and I just pray that I won't have the same result as Masada...

The big blessing is though, that God will never give up on us. He cares deeply and wants to have complete access to that part of us that we are trying so very hard to hide. Think about that for a second, we are trying to hid our deepest parts from God. Okay, do you know who God is? (Truth be told, we don't have the capacity to know God, his infiniteness cannot be explained by our finiteness. And thats a good thing if you ask me.

a scattering....

Oh my, what a long time it has been since I posted here! life has been so crazy busy. God is good, I am full of sin, and yet He loves me anyways.

The semester is almost done (!), and that leaves me with one more year before going out into the world and putting my training to use! So much has happened in the last semester, I have grown so much, sometimes I think that I might have fallen back - you know the old two steps forward one step back? That's me.

I have come to a new and wonderful understanding of what God has in store for me! He has been so wonderful to me in answering my prayers that He would give me a passion and train me to work for it. He has blown me away with the things that He is doing to answer that prayer for me. I have a huge growing passion for the Middle East, and I love arguing about it with people who think that single, blond, Christian girls like me should not go and put themselves into one of the hardest ministries out there. (sorry Gabe, if you are reading this... It's not true!). God has such HUGE things in store for each of His children. How are we going to get there? I really don't know.

My friend today was trying to encourage me in this crazy last week of school, and he told me this: I don't believe that you can do it Donna, but I do believe that the Spirit within you can. And that's what matters. I could not agree more, me on my own is worth nothing, can do nothing, and is not open to doing anything. but if you put the Holy Spirit inside of me, and give Him free reign, the possibilities are endless!

Remember dear friends, you have more power within you than you could ever imagine!

a collection of thoughts

Sitting here up in Joe's listening to Live Music Monday, working on my Doctrinal Position Paper for Sys Theo. Listening to my friends work on Greek homework while watching people walk through the plaza.

Can you get more Moody-like than I am now?

This is quite the surreal place to be, watching life pass by, looking towards the future, yet stuck in the past.

God will not let us forget for long how much He loves us and cares for us. We are truly in His hands. When we least expect it, we are taken aback by His washing over, wave by wave of unending grace for us. Don't loose sight of Him! God is taking care of us, even when He seems silent.

Now if only this would apply to all aspects of life as easily as it does to some. But if we did not have to trust that He is in control, then what is the purpose of faith?

Take heart my friends, there is light periodically throughout the tunnel.

Singing in the Shower

It has been a while since I last posted! I was looking over my past posts, and I see a theme of music. Lots of posts with lyrics and reasons I like them or why they move me. I tell my friends who comment on my singing all the time (wherever I am, whatever I'm doing, I always have a song in my mouth), that if they ever don't hear me singing in the shower, that there is something wrong, be it that I have a lot on my mind, or that I don't have a voice.

This week, I have not been singing much, lots on the mind. Lots of things that take my focus away from where it should be: on Christ. in my devotions this week, God has been continually reassuring me of His care and provision for me. He is gently reminding me that all these thoughts that are running through my head all the time are not what I should be concentrating on.

First, God has reminded me that a Thankful heart in the midst of trials shows His glory and my faith that He has a bigger plan in store for me than what I may want in the moment.

Then today, when I could not concentrate on my devotions, I read this: "let the goal of this day be to bring every thought captive to [God]. [...] In [His] radiant Light, anxious thoughts shrink and shrivel away.

We need to focus our thoughts on Him, when we do, we no longer worry about the everyday things that bog us down, we see a bigger picture, one where His plan is what we are concerned with.

So, the next time you can't concentrate because life is getting you down, remember that God has a bigger plan in store, and that you are there for a reason. Shoot up a prayer of thanksgiving for the trial that is creating you to be the person you are meant to be, and hear the words of God:

I WILL GAURD YOU AND KEEP YOU IN CONSTANT PEACE, AS YOU FOCUS YOUR MIND ON ME.

~Happy singing!

Jesus will meet you there

The middle of a really tough week, one filled with stress and decisions, yet I know that Jesus will meet me wherever I am. This song really portrays what I need to hear right about now. A truly broken girl, one fraught with sins and problems, yet, wherever I am Jesus know exactly where I am will never leave me.

When you think you've hit the bottom

and the bottom gives way

and you fall into a darkness

no words can explain

and you don't know how you make it out alive

Jesus will meet you there.

When the doctor says, "I'm sorry,

we don't know what else to do."

and you're looking at your family

wondering how they'll make it through...

Whatever road this life takes you down,

Jesus will meet you there.

He knows the way to wherever you are

He knows the way to the depths of your heart

He knows the way cuz he's already been

where you're going

Jesus will meet you there.

I hope that you find encouragement in this, that you will remember to spend time with the one who is in control of all. Keep looking up, you will get through!

When the jury says, "Guilty,"

and the prison doors close

When the one you love says nothing,

just packs up and goes

When the sunlight comes and your world's still dark,

Jesus will meet you there.

When you've failed again and all your

second chances have been used

And the heavy weight of guilt and shame

is crushing down on you...

And all you have is one last cry for help

Jesus will meet you there.

He knows the way to wherever you are

He knows the way to the depths of your heart

He knows the way cuz he's already been

where you're going

When you realize the dreams you've had

for your child won't come true

when the phone rings in the middle

of the night with tragic news...

Whatever valley you must walk through,

Jesus will meet you there.

He will meet you there.

Jesus will meet you there...

Choral Beauty

oh my, it has been so long since I last posted. So sorry about that, its called homework and there is nothing that I can do about it.

So, tonight we had our first choir concert. yes, after only 3 weeks of class, we trucked out to Skokie and sang in the 30th Anniversary Korean-American Christian Choir Festival (Or something similar to the title). We (Moody's Womens Concert Choir) were one of 11 different choirs, 1 of 2 who were American. Each choir sang 2 or 3 songs, and there was question and answer in between the different performances with different people, who I have no idea who they were or what they were talking about because they were all speaking in Korean (go figure).

This was by far one of the greatest highlights of this year, while we may not have been able to understand what they were singing, it was quite clear who they were singing to. God was at the forefront of the evening, and it was such an honor to be apart of it.

The other American choir was a men's choir with over 140 members, they sang the song Grace (if you are a Moody student, you would know this song as one that our men's choir fondly sings often, and one that Women's choir actually has in our repertoire for this year I think), an arrangement of Amazing Grace that is just beautiful. Their other piece was a gospel piece and had the whole place clapping and swaying along. It was so wonderful, and it moved the whole audience, mainly because Korean churches, from what I can tell, don't usually sing gospel, and when exposed, it was a grand sight. We followed a few acts later with our 2 little pieces, a Latin/American piece, and an arrangement of How Deep the Father's Love for Us. Dr Hong had the first portion of How Deep translated into Korean, and we learned it to be able to sing it for our hosts. The reaction was so amazing. You hear stories about how hearing the gospel in one's own tongue, and the change that it can make in your faith. There were tears in the audience, the mixture of the Gospel story with the fact that this little college choir would put the effort to learn a paragraph of Korean ministered to the hearts of many.

So, my lesson? Don't be afraid to not know what is going on around you, especially if you know that God is being glorified through it.

Sing to the Lord, praise His Name, proclaim His Salvation day after day.

blast from the past

I was looking through my email program on my computer, and found an old note that I had written. It was dated August 15, 2008. Almost exactly 2 years ago. I thought it very interesting how much I have grown, since, but also how much I still have to learn.


It's funny how God reveals Himself, and your true self, to you.
In the past few days a gut wrenching realization has hit me. I look in every place and person I'm close to as my primary source for love, attention and affection.

Did you catch the problem with that?

My primary source.

I've ignored the reality that I am loved beyond measure, cherished and showered with affection beyond my deepest need. I've turned my back on the One who never hesitates to whisper I love you. I've stared love in the face and not seen it. I crave something I can only get from my Father, and have been clawing for it here, from others, namely male. Why? I don't know. Maybe it has something to do with my earthly father and our past. I'm not sure.

Whatever it may be, He's calling to me. He's patched me in and stopped my way so much it hurts, and I ache for love. He's left one way ... to Him. I've begun to resent the words "I love you," because they've yet to be said to me by someone here. I've turned to others, that I care about deeply, and sought something from them that was not my place to seek.

I even sought out advice on this very struggle from friends before God. Physical, verbal, emotional affirmation from people is not enough. If anything, it's a temporary fix for my ache. I'm learning, quickly, that this deep need cannot be filled anyplace but one. It hurts. I have confused myself and my feelings for others, twisted affection and namely, attention, into some sort of measurement of my self-worth.

I'm sorry. I'm hurting, but I'm growing. I've got an inkling feeling that this realization, this gradual change, is a huge step in my stroll alongside Jesus. I want to lay underneath the stars, and breathe deep and have a long, long talk. And be held in His arms that never fail, never leave, and are ever caring. Good thing that is exactly what He wants to do with me too.

This is all that I can say, right now.

Answered Prayer

No, not the answer to the prayer that I was talking about in my last post, but better!

May the God of Hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. Romans 15:13

This is a verse I stumbled on in my devotions a few days ago. The strong mention of hope, joy, and peace caught my eye, my life has strangely been lacking in especially the joy area. So I automatically prayed this verse for myself. I held God to this promise. Then the next night, I reread this passage again, and realized that I had found this joy, because God reminded me of how great, and powerful He is.

Without fail, I can remember how before every significant event in my life I prayed that God would grow me and mold me to be the woman He wants me to be. I always pray that He would change me, no matter what that means in my life. God answers that prayer every day that I am alive. I can see with every hard thing that has happened to me, that it is an answer to my prayer that God would mold me and shape me.

This prayer is no different. I can see that the struggle I have been dealing with this summer, is not so much a struggle to get to the end of it, which I have been treating it as so, but it is a journey, where I learn so much in the process.

I cannot even begin to list the things that I have learned this summer as a result of this struggle. I have no idea even where to start! God has touched every aspect of my life through this one situation. And because of this, I am and evermore will be eternally grateful and overwhelmed with joy because of the life that God has supplied me with!

I am reading a book called Victorious Praying by Bill Thrasher (moody press), and last night I read the chapter about God's desire to bless us. Here is an excerpt:

If we insist on having our own way, God will give it to us. he encourages his redeemed people to open their mouths and let Him graciously fill them. If His people refuse to listen to Him, He will give them over "to the stubbornness of their heart" (psalm 81:12). [...] He still desires to bless his disobedient people and encourages their return to him! In prayer, we must humbly come to God and recognize that he is kind and good. We must view him not as one who desires to withhold from us what is truly best [like what we want] but as One who earnestly years to bless us beyond our highest imagination.

So, next time, instead of questioning weather God has your best interests in mind, look instead to see what the big picture might be. Perhaps you will find yourself in a situation similar to mine, where the result of the hard situation is no longer the issue, it is how much more am I going to grow in it before it is resolved?

Eternal Life

So, I was reading my friend Jillian's profile, and I found this, knowing enough french to get me into trouble, I quickly recognized this as the lyrics to the Women's Choir's traditional final piece, Eternal Life.

Seigneur, faites de moi un instrument de votre paix.
Là où il y a de la haine, que je mette l'amour.
Là où il y a l'offense, que je mette le pardon.
Là où il y a la discorde, que je mette l'union.
Là où il y a l'erreur, que je mette la vérité.
Là où il y a le doute, que je mette la foi.
Là où il y a le désespoir, que je mette l'espérance.
Là où il y a les ténèbres, que je mette votre lumière.
Là où il y a la tristesse, que je mette la joie.
Ô Maître, que je ne cherche pas tant à être consolé qu'à consoler,
à être compris qu'à comprendre,
à être aimé qu'à aimer,
car c'est en donnant qu'on reçoit,
c'est en s'oubliant qu'on trouve, c'est en pardonnant qu'on est pardonné,
c'est en mourant qu'on ressuscite à l'éternelle vie." - St. Francis

not translated directly, but the lyrics of our song:

Lord, Make me an instrument of thy peace, peace.

Where there is hatred, let me sow love

where there is injury pardon,

where there is doubt, faith,

where there is despair, hope!

where there is darkness, light!

where there is sadness, JOY!

Oh, Divine Master, grant that I may not,

so much seek to be consoled as to console,

to be understood as to understand,

to be loved, as to love.

For it is in giving that we receive,

it is in pardoning that we are pardoned,

it is in dying that we are born,

to eternal life

Such an amazing piece, I love this song so much, it truly grasps the true meaning of life.

Eternal Life

So, I was reading my friend Jillian's profile, and I found this, knowing enough french to get me into trouble, I quickly recognized this as the lyrics to the Women's Choir's traditional final piece, Eternal Life.

Seigneur, faites de moi un instrument de votre paix.
Là où il y a de la haine, que je mette l'amour.
Là où il y a l'offense, que je mette le pardon.
Là où il y a la discorde, que je mette l'union.
Là où il y a l'erreur, que je mette la vérité.
Là où il y a le doute, que je mette la foi.
Là où il y a le désespoir, que je mette l'espérance.
Là où il y a les ténèbres, que je mette votre lumière.
Là où il y a la tristesse, que je mette la joie.
Ô Maître, que je ne cherche pas tant à être consolé qu'à consoler,
à être compris qu'à comprendre,
à être aimé qu'à aimer,
car c'est en donnant qu'on reçoit,
c'est en s'oubliant qu'on trouve, c'est en pardonnant qu'on est pardonné,
c'est en mourant qu'on ressuscite à l'éternelle vie." - St. Francis

not translated directly, but the lyrics of our song:

Lord, Make me an instrument of thy peace, peace.

Where there is hatred, let me sow love

where there is injury pardon,

where there is doubt, faith,

where there is despair, hope!

where there is darkness, light!

where there is sadness, JOY!

Oh, Divine Master, grant that I may not,

so much seek to be consoled as to console,

to be understood as to understand,

to be loved, as to love.

For it is in giving that we receive,

it is in pardoning that we are pardoned,

it is in dying that we are born,

to eternal life

Such an amazing piece, I love this song so much, it truly grasps the true meaning of life.

Beauty Will Rise

So, I know that I just did a song, but Grace lent me this CD last night, and I have fallen in love with it. The CD is Beauty Will Rise, the artist is Steven Curtis Chapman. This is the album that he wrote after his daughter was tragically killed in a car accident. The song I want to share is Beauty Will Rise.

I cannot imagine being in his place, loosing his daughter like he did. But I do understand his pain. The hopelessness that sticks no matter how much truth you put before yourself. It reminds me of David, in the Psalms he laments before God and cries out to Him, pleading with Him. David tells himself how God is in control and that He is all that he needs to survive. Yet, we still have that voice in our heads yelling at us, telling us it is not okay. Our minds and our hearts are at odds with each other. our hearts know the truth, that God is sovereign and in control of all things of life, but our heads cannot grasp the concept. so we tell ourselves over and over again that there is so much more to life; more to life than an earthly whole family; more than the burdens our friends lay on us, or the burden our heart feels for them; more than the loss of a friendship or of a boyfriend/girlfriend. Eventually, if we tell ourselves this enough we will believe it... right? that is what David thought at least. Check out psalm 40 or psalm 73 to see what I mean.

back to the song... here are the lyrics, and a link to listen to it:

It was the day the world went wrong/ I screamed til my voice was gone

And watched through the tears as everything/ came crashing down

Slowly panic turns to pain

As we awake to what remains/ and sift through the ashes that are left behind

But buried deep beneath/ All our broken dreams
we have this hope:

Out of these ashes... beauty will rise
and we will dance among the ruins
We will see Him with our own eyes
Out of these ashes... beauty will rise
For we know, joy is coming in the morning...
in the morning, beauty will rise

So take another breath for now/ and let the tears come washing down,
and if you can't believe I will believe/ for you.

Cuz I have seen/ the signs of spring!
Just watch and see:

Out of these ashes... beauty will rise
and we will dance among the ruins
We will see Him with our own eyes
Out of these ashes... beauty will rise
For we know, joy is coming in the morning...
in the morning...

I can hear it in the distance/ and it's not too far away.
It's the music and the laughter/ of a wedding and a feast.
I can almost feel the hand of God/ reaching for my face
to wipe the tears away, and say/ "It's time to make everything new."

"Make it all new"

This is our hope.
This is the promise.
This is our hope.
This is the promise.
That it would take our breath away
to see the beauty that's been made

Out of these ashes... beauty will rise
and we will dance among the ruins
We will see Him with our own eyes
Out of this darkness... new life will shine
and we'll know the joy is coming in the morning...
in the morning...beauty will rise!

Oh, Beauty will rise

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L6sGtkhpqeA

Revelation 21:3-7

3… I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, "Now the dwelling of God is with men, and he will live with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. 4He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away."

5He who was seated on the throne said, "I am making everything new!" Then he said, "Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true."

6He said to me: "It is done. I am the Alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and the End. To him who is thirsty I will give to drink without cost from the spring of the water of life. 7He who overcomes will inherit all this, and I will be his God and he will be my son.

Hold On

Why hello there friends! It has been quite a while since I last wrote here. While talking to my good friend Karyssa this week, she sent me this song and I fell in love with it.

This song really brings me back to what is important in this life. While life may bring us to a place where we have to struggle to find the same joy in life that we have been living on for so long, we need to remember what the purpose of our life is. We were designed to praise God in all that we are, in the joy and sadness, the frustrations and grief. Each day is a new one, and we need to hold on to God, there is nothing that can stop God's love from coming through! We need to be thankful in every moment for the wonderful blessings that God has given us.

It also helps that this is a song that makes you want to dance :)

Hold On by TobyMac

Wake up to the morning light
wipe away the lonely nights
let a brand new day wash over you,
Wanna see you smile again
show some love to your crazy friends
wipe your tears away
those days are through

If you move just a little bit closer you can put your head on my shoulder
Yeah, yeah

[Chorus:]
So baby hold on
just another day or two
I can see the clouds are
moving faster now
and the sun is breaking through
If you can hold on, to the one that's holding you
there is nothing that can
stop this crazy love
from breaking through

We're breaking through
We're breaking through

Wake up to the morning sun
thank the Lord for the
things He's done
lift your eyes up to the
hope that's ever true
Wanna see you smiling girl
you're a light in this jaded world
wipe away those tears
this one's for you

Come on, move a little bit closer, you can put your head on my shoulder
Yeah, yeah

[Chorus]

And the stars are up there
shining for you
oh, the Father does adore you
His love will never change
And you and I
we were born to follow
the hope that will lead us to tomorrow
and no one can take it away

So baby hold on
just another day or two
I can see the clouds are
moving faster now
and the sun is breaking through
If you could hold on
to the one that's holding you
there is nothing that can stop this crazy, crazy love from breaking [x2]

You see the clouds are
moving faster now
the clouds are moving faster

You see the clouds are
moving faster now
And the sun is breaking through

We're breaking through

ps If you think about it pray for my friend Jillian.

TTFN