alone

this is one of those nights where you sit and stare at the wall, tossing and turning in your bed praying for the sleep that you know won't find you for quite a while. Or maybe its one of those weeks. I have so much time on my hands which is not a big surprise as it is break, but I'm stranded at home without a car and no reason to go out (tho the car thing is my choice). I find myself filling my time with pointless tv, reruns of old shows, current seasons of new shows... the list goes on. Yet, here, at 12:20am, I find myself heading to hulu for another, just so that I don't have to stare needlessly at the wall anymore. I feel like an addict going back for one more hit. in this one week, I find myself understanding yet another reason the world is so lost, how we compensate for that massive void within. yet, I still lay here, turning back to my computer for that release of not having to go "there".

where is it exactly I don't want to go to? the loneliness of this broken, empty house? the responsibilities of being the "spiritual daughter"? the friends who you use and abuse your compassion, or the friends' compassion I use and abuse? the future plans I see falling apart before my very eyes, and the ever building pressure of knowing what you're going to do once you graduate? that one person who you can't get out of your head, no matter how much you pray God will release you from their grasp? There. I went there. I don't feel any better, in fact, I don't really like the idea of having this whole list of all this crap in my life. It defines me, it makes me who I am, without it, what would I think about? The good things, right? okay...

I have made it through moody with minimal debt on my own. I have a wonderful community of friends who let me use and abuse their compassion when i need it-- gladly. My God is big enough to rebuild and mend the broken relationships in my family. He has a plan in store for me that must be incredible, because I'm sure getting attacked for it now! I have parents who are so supportive of whatever plans God has in store for me, i know they will always be behind me every step of the way. I have desires and passions i know have come from God, and I am learning to hone them and use them for His kingdom.

but, I attempt to fill this time spent fretting over problems, with the "good things". its not nearly as time consuming to worry and plan, as it is to count your blessings, learn, and move on. again the problem of staring at the wall at now, 12:50 arises. So I turn to school. I bought books today, and lucky me! one of them it said right on the syllabus it was just a report that I could do over break. so I fill my time with that. it's not much better than hulu in the way it fills my void, but I sure don't feel as guilty about it!

I'm still trying to fill this void within with man made things, worry, or praise, they still come from me and stem from me and my humanity. nothing can fill the void other than Christ. But how? how do I let Christ be that source of contentment? that purpose for life that I need when i sit at home for 2 weeks with nothing to do? the world may seem life a lost cause, but if I'm not, then it's not. there is hope, and it lies within; for there lies Christ.

Singing in the Shower

It has been a while since I last posted! I was looking over my past posts, and I see a theme of music. Lots of posts with lyrics and reasons I like them or why they move me. I tell my friends who comment on my singing all the time (wherever I am, whatever I'm doing, I always have a song in my mouth), that if they ever don't hear me singing in the shower, that there is something wrong, be it that I have a lot on my mind, or that I don't have a voice.

This week, I have not been singing much, lots on the mind. Lots of things that take my focus away from where it should be: on Christ. in my devotions this week, God has been continually reassuring me of His care and provision for me. He is gently reminding me that all these thoughts that are running through my head all the time are not what I should be concentrating on.

First, God has reminded me that a Thankful heart in the midst of trials shows His glory and my faith that He has a bigger plan in store for me than what I may want in the moment.

Then today, when I could not concentrate on my devotions, I read this: "let the goal of this day be to bring every thought captive to [God]. [...] In [His] radiant Light, anxious thoughts shrink and shrivel away.

We need to focus our thoughts on Him, when we do, we no longer worry about the everyday things that bog us down, we see a bigger picture, one where His plan is what we are concerned with.

So, the next time you can't concentrate because life is getting you down, remember that God has a bigger plan in store, and that you are there for a reason. Shoot up a prayer of thanksgiving for the trial that is creating you to be the person you are meant to be, and hear the words of God:

I WILL GAURD YOU AND KEEP YOU IN CONSTANT PEACE, AS YOU FOCUS YOUR MIND ON ME.

~Happy singing!

Jesus will meet you there

The middle of a really tough week, one filled with stress and decisions, yet I know that Jesus will meet me wherever I am. This song really portrays what I need to hear right about now. A truly broken girl, one fraught with sins and problems, yet, wherever I am Jesus know exactly where I am will never leave me.

When you think you've hit the bottom

and the bottom gives way

and you fall into a darkness

no words can explain

and you don't know how you make it out alive

Jesus will meet you there.

When the doctor says, "I'm sorry,

we don't know what else to do."

and you're looking at your family

wondering how they'll make it through...

Whatever road this life takes you down,

Jesus will meet you there.

He knows the way to wherever you are

He knows the way to the depths of your heart

He knows the way cuz he's already been

where you're going

Jesus will meet you there.

I hope that you find encouragement in this, that you will remember to spend time with the one who is in control of all. Keep looking up, you will get through!

When the jury says, "Guilty,"

and the prison doors close

When the one you love says nothing,

just packs up and goes

When the sunlight comes and your world's still dark,

Jesus will meet you there.

When you've failed again and all your

second chances have been used

And the heavy weight of guilt and shame

is crushing down on you...

And all you have is one last cry for help

Jesus will meet you there.

He knows the way to wherever you are

He knows the way to the depths of your heart

He knows the way cuz he's already been

where you're going

When you realize the dreams you've had

for your child won't come true

when the phone rings in the middle

of the night with tragic news...

Whatever valley you must walk through,

Jesus will meet you there.

He will meet you there.

Jesus will meet you there...

Prayer.... again!!

you can never have too many posts about prayer!

Quite often, we think of prayer as a way of expressing oneself when we don't want to talk to people or can't talk to them. And also, to ask God for the things that we have no control over or what we think God probably wants to happen anyways.

This week, I have been thinking a lot about this concept of prayer, and I am coming to the conclusion that this is quite messed up. I will be the first to tell you that I don't know much about prayer. In my looking at what the Bible says, I have discovered so many things about prayer that I have yet to implement in my life.

There is something that has really been bothering me for the last 5 months or so, and I have held back from praying for what I want directly because I thought it too selfish a prayer. when I look at it from the eyes of my Bible, I realize that most of the personal prayers recorded are asking for personal matters that could be considered "selfish." The other reason I have refrained from praying about this is because I know that if God wants this situation resolved in the way I want it to be, He will. But then I think of Hannah in 1 Samuel, and how she wept like a crazy woman over her want for a son. Was it because of her prayer that God granted her request? or was it already in His plan for her life, and she only had to wait for it?

the question in my book really comes down to: Does it take more faith to not pray about something, trusting that God will supply our needs? or does it take more to pray for what you want, knowing God could say no? I decided that praying for the thing is what I should do. I trust God that whatever He has planned for my life will come to pass, but 5 months is a long time to pray against something and have it still be very prevalent in my thoughts. So, I'm switching it up. After all, Jesus prayed that God would pass the cup from his lips (Luke 22). I pray as He did, not my will O Lord, but yours be done.

Eternal Life

So, I was reading my friend Jillian's profile, and I found this, knowing enough french to get me into trouble, I quickly recognized this as the lyrics to the Women's Choir's traditional final piece, Eternal Life.

Seigneur, faites de moi un instrument de votre paix.
Là où il y a de la haine, que je mette l'amour.
Là où il y a l'offense, que je mette le pardon.
Là où il y a la discorde, que je mette l'union.
Là où il y a l'erreur, que je mette la vérité.
Là où il y a le doute, que je mette la foi.
Là où il y a le désespoir, que je mette l'espérance.
Là où il y a les ténèbres, que je mette votre lumière.
Là où il y a la tristesse, que je mette la joie.
Ô Maître, que je ne cherche pas tant à être consolé qu'à consoler,
à être compris qu'à comprendre,
à être aimé qu'à aimer,
car c'est en donnant qu'on reçoit,
c'est en s'oubliant qu'on trouve, c'est en pardonnant qu'on est pardonné,
c'est en mourant qu'on ressuscite à l'éternelle vie." - St. Francis

not translated directly, but the lyrics of our song:

Lord, Make me an instrument of thy peace, peace.

Where there is hatred, let me sow love

where there is injury pardon,

where there is doubt, faith,

where there is despair, hope!

where there is darkness, light!

where there is sadness, JOY!

Oh, Divine Master, grant that I may not,

so much seek to be consoled as to console,

to be understood as to understand,

to be loved, as to love.

For it is in giving that we receive,

it is in pardoning that we are pardoned,

it is in dying that we are born,

to eternal life

Such an amazing piece, I love this song so much, it truly grasps the true meaning of life.

Eternal Life

So, I was reading my friend Jillian's profile, and I found this, knowing enough french to get me into trouble, I quickly recognized this as the lyrics to the Women's Choir's traditional final piece, Eternal Life.

Seigneur, faites de moi un instrument de votre paix.
Là où il y a de la haine, que je mette l'amour.
Là où il y a l'offense, que je mette le pardon.
Là où il y a la discorde, que je mette l'union.
Là où il y a l'erreur, que je mette la vérité.
Là où il y a le doute, que je mette la foi.
Là où il y a le désespoir, que je mette l'espérance.
Là où il y a les ténèbres, que je mette votre lumière.
Là où il y a la tristesse, que je mette la joie.
Ô Maître, que je ne cherche pas tant à être consolé qu'à consoler,
à être compris qu'à comprendre,
à être aimé qu'à aimer,
car c'est en donnant qu'on reçoit,
c'est en s'oubliant qu'on trouve, c'est en pardonnant qu'on est pardonné,
c'est en mourant qu'on ressuscite à l'éternelle vie." - St. Francis

not translated directly, but the lyrics of our song:

Lord, Make me an instrument of thy peace, peace.

Where there is hatred, let me sow love

where there is injury pardon,

where there is doubt, faith,

where there is despair, hope!

where there is darkness, light!

where there is sadness, JOY!

Oh, Divine Master, grant that I may not,

so much seek to be consoled as to console,

to be understood as to understand,

to be loved, as to love.

For it is in giving that we receive,

it is in pardoning that we are pardoned,

it is in dying that we are born,

to eternal life

Such an amazing piece, I love this song so much, it truly grasps the true meaning of life.

Lost Track

Have you ever had the feeling that you have gone so far off track that you don't know if you can find your way back again? I don't think that I have gotten quite that far this time, but I am close! It is really bad when you find yourself realizing that you are being a jerk to those around you! I feel so bad about it, but the worse part is that I don't really know a tangible way to change.

My friend Cassie is such an amazing encouragement to me! She helped me to see that it is okay to not be my happy self all the time. But it is very important to remember not to let that change the way that you interact with others. Don't forget ever that you always have a ministry to those close to you and those you encounter every day, When you don't know what your future holds, look at the present and see how you can minister to those around you now, rather than in years to come. Give of yourself even if you don't want to, it will give you new purpose and motivation to continue on. Keep in mind that while it is okay to be sad and distraught, this is a normal thing of living in a sinful world. It is when we begin to feel sorry for ourselves and give ourselves the OK to stand in the dark sulking over what cannot change that we get into trouble.

I am studying Psalm 119, and I have come across how the psalmist says he will meditate on the Word of God so many times. This I think is an art that has been lost especially in this generation. To think on one passage and mull it over in our minds for a long time is something that we should strive to do. We can receive such insight on life and on the character of God by doing so! My day ends so much better when I know that I have done all that I can to glorify God in all my actions -- especially when I have brightened someone else's day at the same time!

Pray for me if you think about it, getting out of a rut is not an easy task, and its definitely one that I cannot do without God's help. Praise God that I don't have to!

Joy is not found in happiness, but in the peace of knowing that while things may be rough on the outside, everything will work out in the end. There is light at the end of the tunnel, and a silver lining to each cloud. We may just have to be patient to be able to see it.

a new perspective

Have you ever had that feeling of something in your own life that you are dealing with that will not go away? it keeps nagging at you and you don't know what to do with it!

I have this feeling a lot. And the sad thing is that most of the time the only thing that I can do is pray about it. Often times though, this just keeps me focused more on myself and my problems instead of on the Lord and what He is trying to teach me. I think that what I am trying to say is that it really matters how you pray about different things. If you are really concerned for a friend and think of them often, then pray for them often!! but if you find yourself thinking on something in your life that you cannot change and that you really need to be move on from -- a family situation perhaps? or a friendship that did not work out? or even being away from friends for a long period of time? While sometimes it is very good to pray about these specific situations, sometimes you need to move on from and stop dwelling on them too. There is something that I have been trying to move on from bothering me for quite some time, and after praying about it for a long time, I realized that every time I prayed to move on, it would bring it up fresh in my mind again. So a while ago, whenever I would think about this thing that will not go away, I would instead focus on God's sovereignty, His control over my life. This helps a lot when you don't understand something. Instead of sitting around trying to figure it out, just focus on what God has figured out for you.

I was really having a hard time with this last night, so instead of watching a movie or something to take my mind of it, I opened up my Bible. I am using my read through the Bible in a year for my devotional book (not that really keep to the plan... lol), and when I got to the Psalm portion I read this:

Teach me, O LORD, to follow your decrees;

then I will keep them to the end.

Give me understanding, and I will keep your law

and obey it with all my heart.

Direct me in the path of your commands,

for there I find delight.

Turn my heart toward your statutes

and not toward selfish gain.

Turn my eyes away from worthless things;

preserve my life according to your word.

Fulfill your promise to your servant,

so that you may be feared.

Take away the disgrace I dread,

for your laws are good.

How I long for your precepts!

Preserve my life in your righteousness.

Psalm 119 33-40

This was exactly what I was/am praying. To follow God in all that He has planned for me, but at the same time, it is very hard to do this because I don't know exactly what He is looking for. God is in control, and this I am sure of. He will reveal to us in His time what we need to do. So while we may be stuck on one thing for months at a time, there is a purpose and He will lead us to the answer in His time. If we pray this, if we mean this, then how can we stray from God's leading for our lives? He will guide us in His paths and we must trust Him, striving to allow Him to use us in His way, not in ours.

Prayer

So I was looking through my chapel journal, and I found this prayer that I wrote some time ago tucked in the cover. I don't remember when I wrote it, I think it was last semester. I realized that I should still be praying it. Even when the storms of life attack us- we argue with our step moms, break up with our boyfriends, discover someone close to us has died, struggle with midterms, get homesick, loose our job... the list goes on. Thankfully, my life is not as bad as all that, God is still in control. He knows exactly where we are and what we are struggling with. If we can keep our focus, and remember that we are not here to enjoy the pleasures of life, those are just perks of being children of God. We are here to glorify, and praise, and worship, and serve, the AMAZING God who created us in His image! So while it may be hard for us to see the joy in life sometimes, don't loose sight of the fact that life does not give us that joy we seek, we find it in God.

Dear Lord,

I pray that I will be able to serve with all that I have, and get nothing in return.

May I be stripped bare of everything I know so that I can focus more on you.

My Lord, let everything that is certain in my life be taken away, leaving nothing for me to rely on but You.

May I always be broken, yet ever provided for.

Teach me Lord to trust You alone, and to not need to know what tomorrow brings, as long as I know that you are here today.

Lord please keep me broken, having nowhere to turn but to You, my Rock and my Fortress.

May my heart never heal from the pain of seeing injustice.

I pray that you would break me enough to have to take help from others.

May I be humble enough to accept and admit that I have problems and need help.

Let me always be set apart for you, never fitting in with those around me.

Thank you Lord for the life you have given me, for the joy I have found in You.

Let me never forget where true joy comes from.

Amen

URBANAO9

Ok, so I really have to get this Urbana post out of me before school starts, so that I actually have time to!

Urbana is a HUGE missions conference, in past years there has been 20,000+ people attending. This year there were 17,000, which is still a LOT of people! It lasted for 5 days (from December 27-January 1) and ended with a great New Year's celebration. I went with 4 friends from Michigan, and we were able to stay at a friends', friends' house in St Louis, MO. there were over 250 different missions organizations represented, and a huge inter-varsity bookstore.

The theme of the conference this year is that "He [God] dwelled among us." God came down and incarnated Himself in Jesus and lived and breathed with us here on earth. We had a session every morning where we did an inductive Bible study on the first 4 chapters of John, and then an evening session where amazing speakers would come and either share their testimonies or give a message about what was on their hearts at the time. there were also hundreds of seminars that we could choose from to attend in the afternoons.

the greatest seminar in my opinion was one by Sunder Krishnan, an Indian pastor at a church in Canada. He spoke on prayer and how we can pray Scripture, how we can take the examples that are given throughout the Bible and pray in the same way that the apostles prayed. He took the apostle's prayer in Acts 4, and talked about how before they even began their requests that they first acknowledged that God is both Sovereign and Creator. He is in control of all, and He made all. So, what would we NOT ask God? Next, they took David's prayer from Psalm 2, and used his experiences to pray that God would do the same thing that He already did for David. Sunder also talked about his own experience with this type of prayer, how he prays for a pastor who was put in prison in India. Sunder prayed for this Pastor Ha that he would be like Joseph, and earn the trust of those who had control over him etc. and he also prayed that he would be like Paul, and praise God in all circumstances. Not only can we use God's word to pray, but we can also use the example of God's work. He prayed that Pastor Ha would have the creativity of this lady Sunder read about who composed prayers in poetry while she was being tortured so that she could keep her sanity. If you want to hear how the story ended, PLEASE listen/watch Sunder's talk here: to find the video, go down to the fourth day, and to the last video entitled Pray Big and Pray Bold: Sunder Krishnan.

There is a movement going on in this generation, people are rising up to the task that God has set before us to GO and make disciples of ALL nations. God is raising up workers for the harvest that is ready! I know that God is calling me into this harvest. I don't know specifically how or where, but He is has given me gifts and talents that I can't wait to put to use for Kingdom work! the field I am now in is my first mission, that of the college campus. I may attend a Christian college, but there is still much need for the love of Christ around me, both on campus and in the city around me. My prayer is that God will work in spite of me and show His glory to those around me through my words and the way that I live my life.

Perhaps more later, or you can ask me about it in person :) Blessings to all!