alone

this is one of those nights where you sit and stare at the wall, tossing and turning in your bed praying for the sleep that you know won't find you for quite a while. Or maybe its one of those weeks. I have so much time on my hands which is not a big surprise as it is break, but I'm stranded at home without a car and no reason to go out (tho the car thing is my choice). I find myself filling my time with pointless tv, reruns of old shows, current seasons of new shows... the list goes on. Yet, here, at 12:20am, I find myself heading to hulu for another, just so that I don't have to stare needlessly at the wall anymore. I feel like an addict going back for one more hit. in this one week, I find myself understanding yet another reason the world is so lost, how we compensate for that massive void within. yet, I still lay here, turning back to my computer for that release of not having to go "there".

where is it exactly I don't want to go to? the loneliness of this broken, empty house? the responsibilities of being the "spiritual daughter"? the friends who you use and abuse your compassion, or the friends' compassion I use and abuse? the future plans I see falling apart before my very eyes, and the ever building pressure of knowing what you're going to do once you graduate? that one person who you can't get out of your head, no matter how much you pray God will release you from their grasp? There. I went there. I don't feel any better, in fact, I don't really like the idea of having this whole list of all this crap in my life. It defines me, it makes me who I am, without it, what would I think about? The good things, right? okay...

I have made it through moody with minimal debt on my own. I have a wonderful community of friends who let me use and abuse their compassion when i need it-- gladly. My God is big enough to rebuild and mend the broken relationships in my family. He has a plan in store for me that must be incredible, because I'm sure getting attacked for it now! I have parents who are so supportive of whatever plans God has in store for me, i know they will always be behind me every step of the way. I have desires and passions i know have come from God, and I am learning to hone them and use them for His kingdom.

but, I attempt to fill this time spent fretting over problems, with the "good things". its not nearly as time consuming to worry and plan, as it is to count your blessings, learn, and move on. again the problem of staring at the wall at now, 12:50 arises. So I turn to school. I bought books today, and lucky me! one of them it said right on the syllabus it was just a report that I could do over break. so I fill my time with that. it's not much better than hulu in the way it fills my void, but I sure don't feel as guilty about it!

I'm still trying to fill this void within with man made things, worry, or praise, they still come from me and stem from me and my humanity. nothing can fill the void other than Christ. But how? how do I let Christ be that source of contentment? that purpose for life that I need when i sit at home for 2 weeks with nothing to do? the world may seem life a lost cause, but if I'm not, then it's not. there is hope, and it lies within; for there lies Christ.

Singing in the Shower

It has been a while since I last posted! I was looking over my past posts, and I see a theme of music. Lots of posts with lyrics and reasons I like them or why they move me. I tell my friends who comment on my singing all the time (wherever I am, whatever I'm doing, I always have a song in my mouth), that if they ever don't hear me singing in the shower, that there is something wrong, be it that I have a lot on my mind, or that I don't have a voice.

This week, I have not been singing much, lots on the mind. Lots of things that take my focus away from where it should be: on Christ. in my devotions this week, God has been continually reassuring me of His care and provision for me. He is gently reminding me that all these thoughts that are running through my head all the time are not what I should be concentrating on.

First, God has reminded me that a Thankful heart in the midst of trials shows His glory and my faith that He has a bigger plan in store for me than what I may want in the moment.

Then today, when I could not concentrate on my devotions, I read this: "let the goal of this day be to bring every thought captive to [God]. [...] In [His] radiant Light, anxious thoughts shrink and shrivel away.

We need to focus our thoughts on Him, when we do, we no longer worry about the everyday things that bog us down, we see a bigger picture, one where His plan is what we are concerned with.

So, the next time you can't concentrate because life is getting you down, remember that God has a bigger plan in store, and that you are there for a reason. Shoot up a prayer of thanksgiving for the trial that is creating you to be the person you are meant to be, and hear the words of God:

I WILL GAURD YOU AND KEEP YOU IN CONSTANT PEACE, AS YOU FOCUS YOUR MIND ON ME.

~Happy singing!

unaltered response

Christmas this year was thankfully the best one in several years. There were no fights with the siblings about how we don't want to go to one or another Christmas. There was no evident hard feelings for going to one of those "other Christmases."

What a way to end the Christmas week. Granted, we have one more tomorrow, but I think we will be able to handle it.

This post is not about my hard past holidays, it is about the glory of rebirth. I laughed when I got a text today that said Happy Incarnation Day, but that is the real meaning of today, and we forget about it so much! My devotions over this break have been ones that have reassured and reminded me of WHO Christ is, and WHAT He came to do.

God sent His son, we all know that, but what we don't think of is how technical that really gets. How does the balance between divine and human work; what kind of God is Christ? I think that the thing that I personally forget the most about Christ is that He is STILL fully divine and fully human. He is in the reincarnated form, but Christ did not come to earth to be a man, so that He could save us then go back to glory, back to His fully divine nature that He had before the Incarnation. He gave it all up forever.

The other thing that we don't think of is how amazing God has to be to plan all this out, and fulfill all prophesies and rules that He has laid out.

If you are looking for something to read in your devotions, check out the beginning of Romans. Read how Paul understands the Incarnation, and allow God to speak to you of the intricateness of the Incarnation, and marvel as I am at not only how amazing Christ is for becoming flesh, but also at how God designed it all, making it so that we could come to know Christ, and eventually spend eternity with Him.

Systematic Theology

I was walking home from Target last night with my friend Kendra and we were talking about life in general, how she want's to be a missionary to Hawaii, and I want to be one in the Middle East somewhere. In general, we were talking about how amazing God is, how he cultivates in us this passion for something without having ever done something (She has actually been to Hawaii, but not on a missions trip). God is so incredible and big that He plans these things out, that He gives us passions and gifts that can be used too further His Kingdom. This is not only an exciting thought but a terrifying one too! We get so caught up in life, in classes, in paperwork, in work, that the big picture slips our minds. We don't remember the reason that we are here!

In Systematic Theology this year, we studied the attributes and nature of God. We spent weeks looking at who God is, and what He does. It was the most incredible class. We have this knowledge of who we know God to be, but we don't really apply that to anything else, its just our lives. To study God and who He is, what He does, and what He is capable of doing, there is nothing greater! The extent of which God is so amazingly consistent with Himself is so mind blowing!

Thinking of this makes me realize how little I really have to worry about, I am only a mere college student who is busy in the terms of the world, but the thing that makes all this ok is that God has the very minute details of my life planned out for me! I don't have to worry about what is going because God is in control.

May our prayers be that God would always bring us to the place that we will be closest to Him, no matter what that implies.

Choral Beauty

oh my, it has been so long since I last posted. So sorry about that, its called homework and there is nothing that I can do about it.

So, tonight we had our first choir concert. yes, after only 3 weeks of class, we trucked out to Skokie and sang in the 30th Anniversary Korean-American Christian Choir Festival (Or something similar to the title). We (Moody's Womens Concert Choir) were one of 11 different choirs, 1 of 2 who were American. Each choir sang 2 or 3 songs, and there was question and answer in between the different performances with different people, who I have no idea who they were or what they were talking about because they were all speaking in Korean (go figure).

This was by far one of the greatest highlights of this year, while we may not have been able to understand what they were singing, it was quite clear who they were singing to. God was at the forefront of the evening, and it was such an honor to be apart of it.

The other American choir was a men's choir with over 140 members, they sang the song Grace (if you are a Moody student, you would know this song as one that our men's choir fondly sings often, and one that Women's choir actually has in our repertoire for this year I think), an arrangement of Amazing Grace that is just beautiful. Their other piece was a gospel piece and had the whole place clapping and swaying along. It was so wonderful, and it moved the whole audience, mainly because Korean churches, from what I can tell, don't usually sing gospel, and when exposed, it was a grand sight. We followed a few acts later with our 2 little pieces, a Latin/American piece, and an arrangement of How Deep the Father's Love for Us. Dr Hong had the first portion of How Deep translated into Korean, and we learned it to be able to sing it for our hosts. The reaction was so amazing. You hear stories about how hearing the gospel in one's own tongue, and the change that it can make in your faith. There were tears in the audience, the mixture of the Gospel story with the fact that this little college choir would put the effort to learn a paragraph of Korean ministered to the hearts of many.

So, my lesson? Don't be afraid to not know what is going on around you, especially if you know that God is being glorified through it.

Sing to the Lord, praise His Name, proclaim His Salvation day after day.

Answered Prayer

No, not the answer to the prayer that I was talking about in my last post, but better!

May the God of Hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. Romans 15:13

This is a verse I stumbled on in my devotions a few days ago. The strong mention of hope, joy, and peace caught my eye, my life has strangely been lacking in especially the joy area. So I automatically prayed this verse for myself. I held God to this promise. Then the next night, I reread this passage again, and realized that I had found this joy, because God reminded me of how great, and powerful He is.

Without fail, I can remember how before every significant event in my life I prayed that God would grow me and mold me to be the woman He wants me to be. I always pray that He would change me, no matter what that means in my life. God answers that prayer every day that I am alive. I can see with every hard thing that has happened to me, that it is an answer to my prayer that God would mold me and shape me.

This prayer is no different. I can see that the struggle I have been dealing with this summer, is not so much a struggle to get to the end of it, which I have been treating it as so, but it is a journey, where I learn so much in the process.

I cannot even begin to list the things that I have learned this summer as a result of this struggle. I have no idea even where to start! God has touched every aspect of my life through this one situation. And because of this, I am and evermore will be eternally grateful and overwhelmed with joy because of the life that God has supplied me with!

I am reading a book called Victorious Praying by Bill Thrasher (moody press), and last night I read the chapter about God's desire to bless us. Here is an excerpt:

If we insist on having our own way, God will give it to us. he encourages his redeemed people to open their mouths and let Him graciously fill them. If His people refuse to listen to Him, He will give them over "to the stubbornness of their heart" (psalm 81:12). [...] He still desires to bless his disobedient people and encourages their return to him! In prayer, we must humbly come to God and recognize that he is kind and good. We must view him not as one who desires to withhold from us what is truly best [like what we want] but as One who earnestly years to bless us beyond our highest imagination.

So, next time, instead of questioning weather God has your best interests in mind, look instead to see what the big picture might be. Perhaps you will find yourself in a situation similar to mine, where the result of the hard situation is no longer the issue, it is how much more am I going to grow in it before it is resolved?

Eternal Life

So, I was reading my friend Jillian's profile, and I found this, knowing enough french to get me into trouble, I quickly recognized this as the lyrics to the Women's Choir's traditional final piece, Eternal Life.

Seigneur, faites de moi un instrument de votre paix.
Là où il y a de la haine, que je mette l'amour.
Là où il y a l'offense, que je mette le pardon.
Là où il y a la discorde, que je mette l'union.
Là où il y a l'erreur, que je mette la vérité.
Là où il y a le doute, que je mette la foi.
Là où il y a le désespoir, que je mette l'espérance.
Là où il y a les ténèbres, que je mette votre lumière.
Là où il y a la tristesse, que je mette la joie.
Ô Maître, que je ne cherche pas tant à être consolé qu'à consoler,
à être compris qu'à comprendre,
à être aimé qu'à aimer,
car c'est en donnant qu'on reçoit,
c'est en s'oubliant qu'on trouve, c'est en pardonnant qu'on est pardonné,
c'est en mourant qu'on ressuscite à l'éternelle vie." - St. Francis

not translated directly, but the lyrics of our song:

Lord, Make me an instrument of thy peace, peace.

Where there is hatred, let me sow love

where there is injury pardon,

where there is doubt, faith,

where there is despair, hope!

where there is darkness, light!

where there is sadness, JOY!

Oh, Divine Master, grant that I may not,

so much seek to be consoled as to console,

to be understood as to understand,

to be loved, as to love.

For it is in giving that we receive,

it is in pardoning that we are pardoned,

it is in dying that we are born,

to eternal life

Such an amazing piece, I love this song so much, it truly grasps the true meaning of life.

Eternal Life

So, I was reading my friend Jillian's profile, and I found this, knowing enough french to get me into trouble, I quickly recognized this as the lyrics to the Women's Choir's traditional final piece, Eternal Life.

Seigneur, faites de moi un instrument de votre paix.
Là où il y a de la haine, que je mette l'amour.
Là où il y a l'offense, que je mette le pardon.
Là où il y a la discorde, que je mette l'union.
Là où il y a l'erreur, que je mette la vérité.
Là où il y a le doute, que je mette la foi.
Là où il y a le désespoir, que je mette l'espérance.
Là où il y a les ténèbres, que je mette votre lumière.
Là où il y a la tristesse, que je mette la joie.
Ô Maître, que je ne cherche pas tant à être consolé qu'à consoler,
à être compris qu'à comprendre,
à être aimé qu'à aimer,
car c'est en donnant qu'on reçoit,
c'est en s'oubliant qu'on trouve, c'est en pardonnant qu'on est pardonné,
c'est en mourant qu'on ressuscite à l'éternelle vie." - St. Francis

not translated directly, but the lyrics of our song:

Lord, Make me an instrument of thy peace, peace.

Where there is hatred, let me sow love

where there is injury pardon,

where there is doubt, faith,

where there is despair, hope!

where there is darkness, light!

where there is sadness, JOY!

Oh, Divine Master, grant that I may not,

so much seek to be consoled as to console,

to be understood as to understand,

to be loved, as to love.

For it is in giving that we receive,

it is in pardoning that we are pardoned,

it is in dying that we are born,

to eternal life

Such an amazing piece, I love this song so much, it truly grasps the true meaning of life.

Sweet Release

What an amazing realization that has come over me! I have had such a wonderful change of perspective that I can't believe how much difference it makes! God has taken my self focus and reminded me of what is important in life. What that is, is doing everything possible in this life to serve those around us. Sharing the love that God has so richly lavished on us with everyone we come into contact with.

Doing this brings our focus back to where it belongs, on God and on others. When we think about how what we are doing can help those around us, it helps us to stop thinking about what is keeping us down. While it is not wrong to be sad about something, or to struggle with a situation, when we are done thinking about ourselves and what is making us sad Refocusing on what gives us fulfillment and joy.

On my way to work today, this song came up on the shuffle on my iPod, and I thought what a great reminder of what life is about. What more is there in this life worth living for? even in the monotonous things of life, God's praise still goes on!

Chris Rice "And Your Praise Goes On"

The moon is high and the sunset fades
The lullabies have all been sung
We’re tuckin’ in another day
And stars appear now one by one
But the stillness moves and the silence yields
And not a single beat is lost
You can hear the chorus in the fields

Taking up where we left off
And Your praise goes on, rising to Your throne
Where You guard us while we dream
Past the stars they fly, Your praises fill the sky
‘Til You wake us with the dawn
And Your praise goes on

Now bring your warmth, O morning sun
Chase the stars and the moon away
And wake us with your brightest song
And add our voice to your refrain
Now rise up everything that lives!
Flap your wings and leap for joy!
Oh forest lift your arms and sway!
Clap your hands you ocean waves!

And Your praise goes on, rising to Your throne
Where You bless our toil and play
Through the clouds they rise, Your praises fill the skies
‘Til the setting of the sun
And Your praise goes on
And when my final breath You lend
I’ll thank You for the life You gave
But that won’t mean the praises end
‘Cause I won’t be silenced by the grave!

And Your praise goes on
I’ll be runnin’ to Your throne
With every nation, tribe and tongue
To Your arms I’ll fly
I’ll gaze into Your eyes
Then I’ll know as I am known
And Your praise goes on
And Your praise goes on
And Your praise goes on

Singing, laughing, and praising the One who deserves more than I could ever give out, or ever will.

with renewed joy in life,

Donna

Peace, peace, to those far and near says the Lord your God, and I will heal them. (Isaiah 57:19)

Above All Else

here I sit, in my little apartment with my lovely roommates waiting to leave for work, my mind is so full of things that i don't know what I am supposed to do with them! I believe that the most prevalent thing I am mulling over in my mind is how necessary it is to give God glory and praise all the time.

In my devotions, I am reading about David's captivity/hiding from Saul, while at the same time, reading through some of David's most praise filled Psalms. For example, Psalm 113:

Praise the LORD.
Praise, O servants of the LORD,
praise the name of the LORD.

Let the name of the LORD be praised,
both now and forevermore.

From the rising of the sun to the place where it sets,
the name of the LORD is to be praised.

The LORD is exalted over all the nations,
his glory above the heavens.

Who is like the LORD our God,
the One who sits enthroned on high,

who stoops down to look
on the heavens and the earth?

He raises the poor from the dust
and lifts the needy from the ash heap;

he seats them with princes,
with the princes of their people.

He settles the barren woman in her home
as a happy mother of children.
Praise the LORD.

David here knows that there is more to life than struggling through things that seem too hard to do. God gives us the strength that we need to cary on. Next time you find yourself dwelling on something that you know is beyond your control and is really just dragging you down, just remember that God is in control, and praise Him for his great faithfulness and sovereignty before all else. Instant pick-me-up if you ask me :)