alone

this is one of those nights where you sit and stare at the wall, tossing and turning in your bed praying for the sleep that you know won't find you for quite a while. Or maybe its one of those weeks. I have so much time on my hands which is not a big surprise as it is break, but I'm stranded at home without a car and no reason to go out (tho the car thing is my choice). I find myself filling my time with pointless tv, reruns of old shows, current seasons of new shows... the list goes on. Yet, here, at 12:20am, I find myself heading to hulu for another, just so that I don't have to stare needlessly at the wall anymore. I feel like an addict going back for one more hit. in this one week, I find myself understanding yet another reason the world is so lost, how we compensate for that massive void within. yet, I still lay here, turning back to my computer for that release of not having to go "there".

where is it exactly I don't want to go to? the loneliness of this broken, empty house? the responsibilities of being the "spiritual daughter"? the friends who you use and abuse your compassion, or the friends' compassion I use and abuse? the future plans I see falling apart before my very eyes, and the ever building pressure of knowing what you're going to do once you graduate? that one person who you can't get out of your head, no matter how much you pray God will release you from their grasp? There. I went there. I don't feel any better, in fact, I don't really like the idea of having this whole list of all this crap in my life. It defines me, it makes me who I am, without it, what would I think about? The good things, right? okay...

I have made it through moody with minimal debt on my own. I have a wonderful community of friends who let me use and abuse their compassion when i need it-- gladly. My God is big enough to rebuild and mend the broken relationships in my family. He has a plan in store for me that must be incredible, because I'm sure getting attacked for it now! I have parents who are so supportive of whatever plans God has in store for me, i know they will always be behind me every step of the way. I have desires and passions i know have come from God, and I am learning to hone them and use them for His kingdom.

but, I attempt to fill this time spent fretting over problems, with the "good things". its not nearly as time consuming to worry and plan, as it is to count your blessings, learn, and move on. again the problem of staring at the wall at now, 12:50 arises. So I turn to school. I bought books today, and lucky me! one of them it said right on the syllabus it was just a report that I could do over break. so I fill my time with that. it's not much better than hulu in the way it fills my void, but I sure don't feel as guilty about it!

I'm still trying to fill this void within with man made things, worry, or praise, they still come from me and stem from me and my humanity. nothing can fill the void other than Christ. But how? how do I let Christ be that source of contentment? that purpose for life that I need when i sit at home for 2 weeks with nothing to do? the world may seem life a lost cause, but if I'm not, then it's not. there is hope, and it lies within; for there lies Christ.

a scattering....

Oh my, what a long time it has been since I posted here! life has been so crazy busy. God is good, I am full of sin, and yet He loves me anyways.

The semester is almost done (!), and that leaves me with one more year before going out into the world and putting my training to use! So much has happened in the last semester, I have grown so much, sometimes I think that I might have fallen back - you know the old two steps forward one step back? That's me.

I have come to a new and wonderful understanding of what God has in store for me! He has been so wonderful to me in answering my prayers that He would give me a passion and train me to work for it. He has blown me away with the things that He is doing to answer that prayer for me. I have a huge growing passion for the Middle East, and I love arguing about it with people who think that single, blond, Christian girls like me should not go and put themselves into one of the hardest ministries out there. (sorry Gabe, if you are reading this... It's not true!). God has such HUGE things in store for each of His children. How are we going to get there? I really don't know.

My friend today was trying to encourage me in this crazy last week of school, and he told me this: I don't believe that you can do it Donna, but I do believe that the Spirit within you can. And that's what matters. I could not agree more, me on my own is worth nothing, can do nothing, and is not open to doing anything. but if you put the Holy Spirit inside of me, and give Him free reign, the possibilities are endless!

Remember dear friends, you have more power within you than you could ever imagine!

a collection of thoughts

Sitting here up in Joe's listening to Live Music Monday, working on my Doctrinal Position Paper for Sys Theo. Listening to my friends work on Greek homework while watching people walk through the plaza.

Can you get more Moody-like than I am now?

This is quite the surreal place to be, watching life pass by, looking towards the future, yet stuck in the past.

God will not let us forget for long how much He loves us and cares for us. We are truly in His hands. When we least expect it, we are taken aback by His washing over, wave by wave of unending grace for us. Don't loose sight of Him! God is taking care of us, even when He seems silent.

Now if only this would apply to all aspects of life as easily as it does to some. But if we did not have to trust that He is in control, then what is the purpose of faith?

Take heart my friends, there is light periodically throughout the tunnel.

Singing in the Shower

It has been a while since I last posted! I was looking over my past posts, and I see a theme of music. Lots of posts with lyrics and reasons I like them or why they move me. I tell my friends who comment on my singing all the time (wherever I am, whatever I'm doing, I always have a song in my mouth), that if they ever don't hear me singing in the shower, that there is something wrong, be it that I have a lot on my mind, or that I don't have a voice.

This week, I have not been singing much, lots on the mind. Lots of things that take my focus away from where it should be: on Christ. in my devotions this week, God has been continually reassuring me of His care and provision for me. He is gently reminding me that all these thoughts that are running through my head all the time are not what I should be concentrating on.

First, God has reminded me that a Thankful heart in the midst of trials shows His glory and my faith that He has a bigger plan in store for me than what I may want in the moment.

Then today, when I could not concentrate on my devotions, I read this: "let the goal of this day be to bring every thought captive to [God]. [...] In [His] radiant Light, anxious thoughts shrink and shrivel away.

We need to focus our thoughts on Him, when we do, we no longer worry about the everyday things that bog us down, we see a bigger picture, one where His plan is what we are concerned with.

So, the next time you can't concentrate because life is getting you down, remember that God has a bigger plan in store, and that you are there for a reason. Shoot up a prayer of thanksgiving for the trial that is creating you to be the person you are meant to be, and hear the words of God:

I WILL GAURD YOU AND KEEP YOU IN CONSTANT PEACE, AS YOU FOCUS YOUR MIND ON ME.

~Happy singing!

Systematic Theology

I was walking home from Target last night with my friend Kendra and we were talking about life in general, how she want's to be a missionary to Hawaii, and I want to be one in the Middle East somewhere. In general, we were talking about how amazing God is, how he cultivates in us this passion for something without having ever done something (She has actually been to Hawaii, but not on a missions trip). God is so incredible and big that He plans these things out, that He gives us passions and gifts that can be used too further His Kingdom. This is not only an exciting thought but a terrifying one too! We get so caught up in life, in classes, in paperwork, in work, that the big picture slips our minds. We don't remember the reason that we are here!

In Systematic Theology this year, we studied the attributes and nature of God. We spent weeks looking at who God is, and what He does. It was the most incredible class. We have this knowledge of who we know God to be, but we don't really apply that to anything else, its just our lives. To study God and who He is, what He does, and what He is capable of doing, there is nothing greater! The extent of which God is so amazingly consistent with Himself is so mind blowing!

Thinking of this makes me realize how little I really have to worry about, I am only a mere college student who is busy in the terms of the world, but the thing that makes all this ok is that God has the very minute details of my life planned out for me! I don't have to worry about what is going because God is in control.

May our prayers be that God would always bring us to the place that we will be closest to Him, no matter what that implies.

Beauty From Pain

It's now the end of the semester, and things are going crazy. finals, papers, exams, presentations, chapel, work, internship prep, candlelight carols.... the list goes on and on. And all in the next 2 weeks. Sadly, while all this craziness goes on, there is no break from life whizzing on around. The only thing that I keep telling myself is that there is purpose, and that God has each person in the exact place they are supposed to be at this very moment. A few really hard things have been happening (well, more like old wounds being broken open) lately, mainly because I am so caught up in things of life that don't matter as much instead of being focused on what really does matter. Even through this pain that is going on, I know that there are innumerable things that God is teaching me through them, and that there will be relief eventually. This song is an all time favorite of mine, and just thinking about it makes me feel so much better.

The lights go out all around me
One last candle to keep out the night
And then the darkness surrounds me
I know i'm alive but i feel like i've died
And all that's left is to accept that it's over
My dreams ran like sand through the fists that i made
I try to keep warm but i just grow colder
I feel like i'm slipping away

After all this has passed, i still will remain
After i've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today,
Someday i'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

My whole world is the pain inside me
The best i can do is just get through the day
When life before is only a memory
I'll wonder why God lets me walk through this place
And though i can't understand why this happened
I know that i will when i look back someday
And see how you've brought beauty from ashes
And made me as gold purified through these flames

After all this has passed, i still will remain
After i've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today,
Someday i'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

Here i am, at the end of me
Tryin to hold to what i can't see
I forgot how to hope
This night's been so long
I cling to Your promise
There will be a dawn

After all this has passed, i still will remain
After i've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today,
Someday i'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

Superchick, Beauty from Pain

Does it make the tears go away? No. Does it make the hurt easier? No. Does it bring hope and a little peace to a shattered heart that keeps being dropped? YES. God has the greatest plan for our lives, and there is nothing that we could do to make it any better than the best that he has planned for us. There is purpose to this madness, and there will be joy again.

Jesus will meet you there

The middle of a really tough week, one filled with stress and decisions, yet I know that Jesus will meet me wherever I am. This song really portrays what I need to hear right about now. A truly broken girl, one fraught with sins and problems, yet, wherever I am Jesus know exactly where I am will never leave me.

When you think you've hit the bottom

and the bottom gives way

and you fall into a darkness

no words can explain

and you don't know how you make it out alive

Jesus will meet you there.

When the doctor says, "I'm sorry,

we don't know what else to do."

and you're looking at your family

wondering how they'll make it through...

Whatever road this life takes you down,

Jesus will meet you there.

He knows the way to wherever you are

He knows the way to the depths of your heart

He knows the way cuz he's already been

where you're going

Jesus will meet you there.

I hope that you find encouragement in this, that you will remember to spend time with the one who is in control of all. Keep looking up, you will get through!

When the jury says, "Guilty,"

and the prison doors close

When the one you love says nothing,

just packs up and goes

When the sunlight comes and your world's still dark,

Jesus will meet you there.

When you've failed again and all your

second chances have been used

And the heavy weight of guilt and shame

is crushing down on you...

And all you have is one last cry for help

Jesus will meet you there.

He knows the way to wherever you are

He knows the way to the depths of your heart

He knows the way cuz he's already been

where you're going

When you realize the dreams you've had

for your child won't come true

when the phone rings in the middle

of the night with tragic news...

Whatever valley you must walk through,

Jesus will meet you there.

He will meet you there.

Jesus will meet you there...

Answered Prayer

No, not the answer to the prayer that I was talking about in my last post, but better!

May the God of Hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. Romans 15:13

This is a verse I stumbled on in my devotions a few days ago. The strong mention of hope, joy, and peace caught my eye, my life has strangely been lacking in especially the joy area. So I automatically prayed this verse for myself. I held God to this promise. Then the next night, I reread this passage again, and realized that I had found this joy, because God reminded me of how great, and powerful He is.

Without fail, I can remember how before every significant event in my life I prayed that God would grow me and mold me to be the woman He wants me to be. I always pray that He would change me, no matter what that means in my life. God answers that prayer every day that I am alive. I can see with every hard thing that has happened to me, that it is an answer to my prayer that God would mold me and shape me.

This prayer is no different. I can see that the struggle I have been dealing with this summer, is not so much a struggle to get to the end of it, which I have been treating it as so, but it is a journey, where I learn so much in the process.

I cannot even begin to list the things that I have learned this summer as a result of this struggle. I have no idea even where to start! God has touched every aspect of my life through this one situation. And because of this, I am and evermore will be eternally grateful and overwhelmed with joy because of the life that God has supplied me with!

I am reading a book called Victorious Praying by Bill Thrasher (moody press), and last night I read the chapter about God's desire to bless us. Here is an excerpt:

If we insist on having our own way, God will give it to us. he encourages his redeemed people to open their mouths and let Him graciously fill them. If His people refuse to listen to Him, He will give them over "to the stubbornness of their heart" (psalm 81:12). [...] He still desires to bless his disobedient people and encourages their return to him! In prayer, we must humbly come to God and recognize that he is kind and good. We must view him not as one who desires to withhold from us what is truly best [like what we want] but as One who earnestly years to bless us beyond our highest imagination.

So, next time, instead of questioning weather God has your best interests in mind, look instead to see what the big picture might be. Perhaps you will find yourself in a situation similar to mine, where the result of the hard situation is no longer the issue, it is how much more am I going to grow in it before it is resolved?

Prayer.... again!!

you can never have too many posts about prayer!

Quite often, we think of prayer as a way of expressing oneself when we don't want to talk to people or can't talk to them. And also, to ask God for the things that we have no control over or what we think God probably wants to happen anyways.

This week, I have been thinking a lot about this concept of prayer, and I am coming to the conclusion that this is quite messed up. I will be the first to tell you that I don't know much about prayer. In my looking at what the Bible says, I have discovered so many things about prayer that I have yet to implement in my life.

There is something that has really been bothering me for the last 5 months or so, and I have held back from praying for what I want directly because I thought it too selfish a prayer. when I look at it from the eyes of my Bible, I realize that most of the personal prayers recorded are asking for personal matters that could be considered "selfish." The other reason I have refrained from praying about this is because I know that if God wants this situation resolved in the way I want it to be, He will. But then I think of Hannah in 1 Samuel, and how she wept like a crazy woman over her want for a son. Was it because of her prayer that God granted her request? or was it already in His plan for her life, and she only had to wait for it?

the question in my book really comes down to: Does it take more faith to not pray about something, trusting that God will supply our needs? or does it take more to pray for what you want, knowing God could say no? I decided that praying for the thing is what I should do. I trust God that whatever He has planned for my life will come to pass, but 5 months is a long time to pray against something and have it still be very prevalent in my thoughts. So, I'm switching it up. After all, Jesus prayed that God would pass the cup from his lips (Luke 22). I pray as He did, not my will O Lord, but yours be done.

Time

It has been quite a long while since I last posted. I have not really had a chance to even think about something deep... I have been so busy. I will try tho! just for you, the one reader who skims my rantings.... :)

This past weekend, I was blessed to have a couple of guy friends from high school come visit me and my other friend from then that lives in the area. We had a blast, and were so busy!! It was really good to be able to catch up with them, they are a year younger than my friend Rachel (the one who lives near me for the summer) and I, so they are just fresh from their first year of college. It was fun to hear their stories and to catch up. But by far the most exciting part was stepping back in time for the weekend, going back to the days when we were sitting on the couch in the youth room...

Life was so easy then, my biggest care was that I didn't have many friends -- that obviously was not a problem... and the next biggest care was about college... would we make it? would we love moving out? that all seems like a lifetime ago! For me so much has happened since then! lets see what has happened..... I went to Sudan, and came back a changed person; my dad left us and has sense divorced my mom and remarried; my uncle died at the most inopportune time; I spent one semester in one state, came home and worked full time while being a full time student online (don't try this at home folks!); moved to this windy city; had my first boyfriend... and my second for that matter; toured the country with my choir; submerged myself in learning public transit; moved into my own apartment (if only for the summer); and now, i find my days occupied with the cutest little kids known to man!

Life is so interesting... God has so much in store for us, so much that we can't see now, and might not ever understand. Yet, we are promised that if we seek the Lord, we will find Him! He loves us more than we could ever imagine, and only allows things to happen to us so that we can become more the people that we are created to be.

Do not loose hope my friend! there is light at the end of this dark tunnel that we call life. There is Heaven to look forward to! And on top of that, we can do so much right were we are, there are countless ways that we can use the gifts that God has given us to serve others around us. Be open to learning, be open to hurting, be open to changing.

the JOY of the LORD is our strength! do not let anything or anyone try and convince you otherwise. you are in the BEST of hands.

a new perspective

Have you ever had that feeling of something in your own life that you are dealing with that will not go away? it keeps nagging at you and you don't know what to do with it!

I have this feeling a lot. And the sad thing is that most of the time the only thing that I can do is pray about it. Often times though, this just keeps me focused more on myself and my problems instead of on the Lord and what He is trying to teach me. I think that what I am trying to say is that it really matters how you pray about different things. If you are really concerned for a friend and think of them often, then pray for them often!! but if you find yourself thinking on something in your life that you cannot change and that you really need to be move on from -- a family situation perhaps? or a friendship that did not work out? or even being away from friends for a long period of time? While sometimes it is very good to pray about these specific situations, sometimes you need to move on from and stop dwelling on them too. There is something that I have been trying to move on from bothering me for quite some time, and after praying about it for a long time, I realized that every time I prayed to move on, it would bring it up fresh in my mind again. So a while ago, whenever I would think about this thing that will not go away, I would instead focus on God's sovereignty, His control over my life. This helps a lot when you don't understand something. Instead of sitting around trying to figure it out, just focus on what God has figured out for you.

I was really having a hard time with this last night, so instead of watching a movie or something to take my mind of it, I opened up my Bible. I am using my read through the Bible in a year for my devotional book (not that really keep to the plan... lol), and when I got to the Psalm portion I read this:

Teach me, O LORD, to follow your decrees;

then I will keep them to the end.

Give me understanding, and I will keep your law

and obey it with all my heart.

Direct me in the path of your commands,

for there I find delight.

Turn my heart toward your statutes

and not toward selfish gain.

Turn my eyes away from worthless things;

preserve my life according to your word.

Fulfill your promise to your servant,

so that you may be feared.

Take away the disgrace I dread,

for your laws are good.

How I long for your precepts!

Preserve my life in your righteousness.

Psalm 119 33-40

This was exactly what I was/am praying. To follow God in all that He has planned for me, but at the same time, it is very hard to do this because I don't know exactly what He is looking for. God is in control, and this I am sure of. He will reveal to us in His time what we need to do. So while we may be stuck on one thing for months at a time, there is a purpose and He will lead us to the answer in His time. If we pray this, if we mean this, then how can we stray from God's leading for our lives? He will guide us in His paths and we must trust Him, striving to allow Him to use us in His way, not in ours.

so today I am sitting here at my desk thinking of all the things that I have to do in the next week. and as I listen to my iPod playing in the background, the song Let it Go by Tenth Avenue North came on. this song is such a great example of what our attitude towards life should be. The last few days have been a little hard to swallow, God is making sure that I am ready to follow Him no matter what happens. He wants to know if I can have the same joy in doing what He wants when it is not really what I want to happen. While it is hard, I am realizing that I can have that same joy, because I know that my Heavenly Father has only my best interests in mind, and that what He has in mind is so far above and beyond anything that I could imagine. here are some of the words from this song:

I've been holding on so tight
Look at these knuckles
They've gone white
I'm fighting for who I wanna be
I'm just trying to find security

Well it's hard enough to hear
Harder still, to move beyond this fear
We know there's nothing I can bring,
So tell me what do you want from me?

But You say let it go, You say let it go
You say life is waiting for the one's who lose control
You say You will be, everything I need
You said if I lose my life it's then I'll find my soul
You say let it go, You say let it go

What do I love?
What do I hate?
What will I lose?
What will I gain?
How do I save my soul?
What if I bend?
What if I break?
What will it cost?
What will it take?
For you to save my soul.

They talk about how we are just trying to find security and and fighting for who we want to be. But in the end, God says to us, LET IT GO! Life is waiting for us to lose control, and when we finally loose ourselves then we find our soul. In the end, what do we love? is it God? what do we hate? really what is the loss, will we loose what we think may be the best summer, or do we let God make it better than we can imagine? Does it really matter what it will cost us? I think that because God has everything in His hands, and because He loves us more than we will ever be able to love Him in return, that we will be taken care of. It may cost us now, but in the end, it will be so worth it. we serve the Creator of the universe.... need I say more?

The Future

While cleaning out my Bible, I found this paper stuck in between the pages; I don't know when I wrote it, or where I was, but I think that it is pretty good. And coming back from URBANAO9 it is really what I feel is going on. But more about that later. Here are the contents of the page:

Today, while hanging out with some friends from home, we were talking about the future, what out plans are and where were want to go. This got me thinking about the world's view on the future, and what it means to "not have it together."Ti is almost tragic when you don't know what you are going to dow with your life. I think that in this area, the world has it backwards. we should be longing for the unexpected, for the unknown, for God's call. We naturally want the comfort of knowing what is going on, knowing absolutely going to happen thee weeks, years, or decades from now. God's opinion on this matter is I believe, rather humorous, He sees our set ways and can tell that all we really want is control over out lives and futures. But what God wants control (he actually has it) over out lives, the great thing about God is that He lets us have control over our lives (up to a point). But one of the things God loves most is our willingness to do what he wants, to let go of our dreams of the future and to let Him lead. In Ephesians 1:4, Paul tells us that in Christ we are chosen to be predestined according to His plan that works together with GOd's will. This all is for God's glory. I don't know about you, but I would rather bring God Glory.

The question "what are you going to do after you graduate?" is a misleading question in my book. The future can take care of itself, it is the present that matters. what we do with our time and talents now is what brings God glory. Am I saying that we should not think and pray about the future? No! I am saying that we should spend less time worrying about weather or not we are going to grad school or not, and rather wonder how we can bring God glory today, how we can walk in God's joy, being a light to those around us. The focus should be more on today rather on tomorrow (Lk 12:22).

Should we stop thinking about what we will be doing in the future? No! Bur remembering that God has his own ideas about what He wants for us. he will eventually get his way in our lives, and we only have to embrace it. The more we plan out for out future, the more God will change, When we put our itinerary ahead of His we know that it will only be a matter o time before God gets His itinerary in. So, rather than plan out my life many times, making my wants a priority, I am just going to leave it in His hands from the beginning. This does not mean that I am not going to be thinking about the future, but it does mean that I will let Him be in charge of the big picture, because when I am ready, God will reveal what my next step will be, but until then, I know only what step I am to take today, trusting that God will give me the guidance I need to be able to live today the right way. Now the question is, can I live today in that way?

As I said before, I will write on Urbana later.

Blessings to all