Beauty From Pain

It's now the end of the semester, and things are going crazy. finals, papers, exams, presentations, chapel, work, internship prep, candlelight carols.... the list goes on and on. And all in the next 2 weeks. Sadly, while all this craziness goes on, there is no break from life whizzing on around. The only thing that I keep telling myself is that there is purpose, and that God has each person in the exact place they are supposed to be at this very moment. A few really hard things have been happening (well, more like old wounds being broken open) lately, mainly because I am so caught up in things of life that don't matter as much instead of being focused on what really does matter. Even through this pain that is going on, I know that there are innumerable things that God is teaching me through them, and that there will be relief eventually. This song is an all time favorite of mine, and just thinking about it makes me feel so much better.

The lights go out all around me
One last candle to keep out the night
And then the darkness surrounds me
I know i'm alive but i feel like i've died
And all that's left is to accept that it's over
My dreams ran like sand through the fists that i made
I try to keep warm but i just grow colder
I feel like i'm slipping away

After all this has passed, i still will remain
After i've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today,
Someday i'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

My whole world is the pain inside me
The best i can do is just get through the day
When life before is only a memory
I'll wonder why God lets me walk through this place
And though i can't understand why this happened
I know that i will when i look back someday
And see how you've brought beauty from ashes
And made me as gold purified through these flames

After all this has passed, i still will remain
After i've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today,
Someday i'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

Here i am, at the end of me
Tryin to hold to what i can't see
I forgot how to hope
This night's been so long
I cling to Your promise
There will be a dawn

After all this has passed, i still will remain
After i've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today,
Someday i'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

Superchick, Beauty from Pain

Does it make the tears go away? No. Does it make the hurt easier? No. Does it bring hope and a little peace to a shattered heart that keeps being dropped? YES. God has the greatest plan for our lives, and there is nothing that we could do to make it any better than the best that he has planned for us. There is purpose to this madness, and there will be joy again.

Lost Track

Have you ever had the feeling that you have gone so far off track that you don't know if you can find your way back again? I don't think that I have gotten quite that far this time, but I am close! It is really bad when you find yourself realizing that you are being a jerk to those around you! I feel so bad about it, but the worse part is that I don't really know a tangible way to change.

My friend Cassie is such an amazing encouragement to me! She helped me to see that it is okay to not be my happy self all the time. But it is very important to remember not to let that change the way that you interact with others. Don't forget ever that you always have a ministry to those close to you and those you encounter every day, When you don't know what your future holds, look at the present and see how you can minister to those around you now, rather than in years to come. Give of yourself even if you don't want to, it will give you new purpose and motivation to continue on. Keep in mind that while it is okay to be sad and distraught, this is a normal thing of living in a sinful world. It is when we begin to feel sorry for ourselves and give ourselves the OK to stand in the dark sulking over what cannot change that we get into trouble.

I am studying Psalm 119, and I have come across how the psalmist says he will meditate on the Word of God so many times. This I think is an art that has been lost especially in this generation. To think on one passage and mull it over in our minds for a long time is something that we should strive to do. We can receive such insight on life and on the character of God by doing so! My day ends so much better when I know that I have done all that I can to glorify God in all my actions -- especially when I have brightened someone else's day at the same time!

Pray for me if you think about it, getting out of a rut is not an easy task, and its definitely one that I cannot do without God's help. Praise God that I don't have to!

Joy is not found in happiness, but in the peace of knowing that while things may be rough on the outside, everything will work out in the end. There is light at the end of the tunnel, and a silver lining to each cloud. We may just have to be patient to be able to see it.

Choir Tour

So I am on tour with the Moody Women's Concert Choir, we are in the mid-atlantic states for a 2 week tour over spring break. God has been teaching me so much this last week! I can't believe how many lessons God has been teaching me. My brain is on overload not only from exhaustion after having at least one concert a day, but also from all the lessons that God keeps bringing to my attention. Because I don't have much time to really process here, I am just going to put some quotes from different things that I have come across. First, I bring before you you guessed it! Much-Afraid:

"Shepherd," she shrieked, "Shepherd! Shepherd! Help me! Where are you? Do not leave me!" Next instant she was clinging to him trembling from head to foot, sobbing over and over again, "You may do anything, Shepherd. You may ask anything- only don't let me turn back. O my Lord, don't let me leave you. Entreat me not to leave thee nor turn from following after thee." Then as she continued to cling to him she sobbed out, "If you can deceive me, my Lord, about the promise and the hind's feet and the new name or anything else, you may, indeed you may; only don't let me leave you. Don't let anything turn me back. This path looked so wrong, I could hardly believe it was the right one," and she sobbed bitterly.

He lifted her up, supported her by his arm, and with his own hand wiped the tears from her cheeks, then said in his strong cheery voice, "there is no question of your turning back Much-Afraid. No one, not even your own shrinking heart can pluck you out of my hand. Don't you remember what I told you before? 'this delay is not unto death, but for the glory of God.' You haven't forgotten already the lesson you had been learning have you?

"It is no less true now that 'what I do thou knowest not how, but thou shalt know here after.' My sheep hear my voice, and they follow me. It is perfectly safe for you to go on this way even though it looks wrong, and I now give you another promise: Thine ears shall hear a word behind thee saying,'this is the way, walk ye in it,' when ye turn to the right hand of the left."

The powerful words and promises of our dear savior. While al of life crumbles around us and we don't know where to turn because all paths look as though they lead to death, we know to stop and listen to the still small voice, that promises to never let us out of his hand. As one of the songs of our concert says: "His eye is on the sparrow, and I know he watches me."

The next thing that I want to share with you here, is a little of the story of our contact person from our last church, Ruth Moran. She shared her testimony today during the sunday school hour between services. Ruth has cancer, and a lot of it. since 1998, she has been fighting this fight, and it has left her physically disfigured in face, and unable to eat anything but a liquid diet through a feeding tube to her stomach. Yet through all this Ruth and her family are able to praise God through it all. She had her son assisting her with her slideshow during the testimony and near the end, she was talking about how they as a family deal with the pain and hurt that they face every day. too this she replied that they go back and forth with a question: what is the worst thing that can happen? starting small, they answer: she could be disfigured (that happened), she could die on the table (thankfully not), again: "what is the worst that could happen?" her son responded with confidence: "nothing." "what happens if I die?" "you go to heaven" "what happens to you if I go to heaven?" "Nothing, I'll go to heaven." The proclamation of that 14 year-old boy moved I believe the entire choir, or those who were not already, to tears.

here are a few quotes from her testimony that was printed in her pamphlet:

I honestly say that I would not take back my former life:when i find my delight in him, He literally gives me the desires of my heart, just as Psalm 37:4 promises.

I am convinced that not only does God send everything we need, but we need everything God sends.

Thanks for listening to my ramblings of the jumbled thoughts in my head. God will continue to teach and lead me, and I pray that I will one day understand, even partially, the many things that God shows me. to God be the Glory for all that He has done and will do through us, His servants.

Suffering and Sorrow

"'Much-Afraid,' said the Shepherd, in a tone of gentle but firm rebuke, 'why did you let Pride come up to you and take your hand? if you had been holding the hands of your two helpers this could never have happened.'

For the first time, Much-Afraid of her own free will held out both hands to her two companions, and they grasped her strongly, but never before had their hold upon her been so full of pain, so bitter with sorrow."

Again, I bring to you Much-Afraid, if you don't remember who she is, look at my previous post for some more of her story.

I think that the biggest lesson that God has been teaching me of late is that of trusting. I trust God, with as much as I can give, I lay my life before Him praying that His will would be done in my life. I know that I will be taken care of, but I can only go so far without trusting other people. Don't get me wrong, I trust a lot of people... unfortunately some I don't trust completely, and others I don't trust with much more than telling them my story and leaving it at that (not to worry, I do have many friends who I trust completely). :)

God has been telling me that I must trust people, that I can't just sit in a hole in the ground not trusting people or letting myself be vulnerable. To put it in the way Much-Afraid would understand it is that the Shepherd has given me the guides of Suffering and Sorrow, and these are to guide me through my journey to the High Places, and when I let go of their helping hands, I can easily be distracted and lose my way. I must grasp firmly onto what they have to offer, no matter how much pain there is in their grasps for they are the guides that have been given to me. I must embrace the trials and hardships in my life and let them guide me in becoming a better person, one who learns from her experiences, and does not shy away from their affect on my life. To make my journey all the better, God has given me an amazing human help and guide to assist me in growing through this. This makes this learning process much more fun and enjoyable. I only hope that I will one day be able to serve him in such a way as he is serving me.

so, much easier said than done. But with God's help this journey is being taken, my guides are in hand, and because I am lame and weak, this will be a long, slow journey. be patient with me. there is light at the end of the tunnel!

Much-Afraid and her journey to the High Places

This week has been very crazy! So much has happened, and I have learned so much! There are two main lessons that I have been learning this week, God has truly taught me so much, and I am still learning even more!

For choir, we have a book that we all read together, usually we read it over tour, but this year it is a long one, so we started early. The book is called Hind’s Feet on High Places, and has quickly become my favorite book. It is an allegory of a girl’s life (Much-Afraid is her name), and her journey to the High Places where the Shepherd is waiting to give her a new name.

Currently we are not that far into it, but we just read about the very begining of her journey. The Shepherd gave her two guides to assist her in her journey, their names were Suffering and Sorrow. When she heard their names, she became really scared and asked the Shepherd why he did not give her Joy and Peace. The shepherd responded that if he gave her Joy and Peace, she would not be transformed on the way to the High Places. It takes Suffering and Sorrow to mold her into the person that she needs to be in order to be able to enter into the High Places when she reaches them. Much-Afraid very hesitantly complied with the Shepherd, and began her journey with Sorrow and Suffering because of her great love for the Shepherd and for her great want to reach the High Places.

This is such an amazing picture of how God uses the really hard things in our lives to mold us and shape us into the people that He is creating us to be. While things may seem unfair here on earth, and we seem to have reached rock bottom because life is so hard. We have to remember that God has given us sorrow and suffering as GUIDES, things that will lead us through this life, reshaping us to be the people that God wants us to be.

The second thing that I have been learning is that it is ok to be vulnerable, because God is in control of all things, and will be with us forever. We can shut ourselves off from the world and tell ourselves that we are not ready to do something, and that we don’t have to move on until we are comfortable with what is going on. We will never be really ready for anything. It is as plain and simple as that. There will always be something out there that could potentially hurt us, and if we are always running from the thought of pain, how are we ever going to overcome it and move on (this goes back to Much-Afraid's story)? We won’t and that is all. We can think and mull it over all we want, but in the end, we will be no different.

Does this mean that it is easy to let go and allow yourself to be vulnerable? Not at all, in fact as I am seeing for myself, it can quite often mean that you are telling yourself something over and over again, something that you know in your heart is true, but that your experience of the world tells you does not make sense. I feel so bad that I can’t just believe my heart, and Lord willing, perhaps I will be able to do just that. It may take a while, but I have some pretty amazing friends who I think will stick by me and help me to get through whatever life brings my way.