alone

this is one of those nights where you sit and stare at the wall, tossing and turning in your bed praying for the sleep that you know won't find you for quite a while. Or maybe its one of those weeks. I have so much time on my hands which is not a big surprise as it is break, but I'm stranded at home without a car and no reason to go out (tho the car thing is my choice). I find myself filling my time with pointless tv, reruns of old shows, current seasons of new shows... the list goes on. Yet, here, at 12:20am, I find myself heading to hulu for another, just so that I don't have to stare needlessly at the wall anymore. I feel like an addict going back for one more hit. in this one week, I find myself understanding yet another reason the world is so lost, how we compensate for that massive void within. yet, I still lay here, turning back to my computer for that release of not having to go "there".

where is it exactly I don't want to go to? the loneliness of this broken, empty house? the responsibilities of being the "spiritual daughter"? the friends who you use and abuse your compassion, or the friends' compassion I use and abuse? the future plans I see falling apart before my very eyes, and the ever building pressure of knowing what you're going to do once you graduate? that one person who you can't get out of your head, no matter how much you pray God will release you from their grasp? There. I went there. I don't feel any better, in fact, I don't really like the idea of having this whole list of all this crap in my life. It defines me, it makes me who I am, without it, what would I think about? The good things, right? okay...

I have made it through moody with minimal debt on my own. I have a wonderful community of friends who let me use and abuse their compassion when i need it-- gladly. My God is big enough to rebuild and mend the broken relationships in my family. He has a plan in store for me that must be incredible, because I'm sure getting attacked for it now! I have parents who are so supportive of whatever plans God has in store for me, i know they will always be behind me every step of the way. I have desires and passions i know have come from God, and I am learning to hone them and use them for His kingdom.

but, I attempt to fill this time spent fretting over problems, with the "good things". its not nearly as time consuming to worry and plan, as it is to count your blessings, learn, and move on. again the problem of staring at the wall at now, 12:50 arises. So I turn to school. I bought books today, and lucky me! one of them it said right on the syllabus it was just a report that I could do over break. so I fill my time with that. it's not much better than hulu in the way it fills my void, but I sure don't feel as guilty about it!

I'm still trying to fill this void within with man made things, worry, or praise, they still come from me and stem from me and my humanity. nothing can fill the void other than Christ. But how? how do I let Christ be that source of contentment? that purpose for life that I need when i sit at home for 2 weeks with nothing to do? the world may seem life a lost cause, but if I'm not, then it's not. there is hope, and it lies within; for there lies Christ.

released

Oh my, it has been so very long since I have been able to write on here. I don't know if anyone reads this blog, but even so, it is good for me to be able to go back and read up on how I have been growing and changing.

walls. Walls are a wonderful thing: they keep the cold out on a winter night, keep the cool in on a hot summer's day, they block out (most) unwanted noise as well as keeping your darkest secrets confined. But there is something else about walls. When you are under siege, the walls are both good and bad, in Lord of the Rings, the walls kept the bad guys out, as well as protected the good guys. In Joshua, they were disintegrated, providing no means of protection. On Masada, the walls are what kept the people inside the city, making it impossible to get out without being seen.

What does it mean to build walls around your heart? How is it that we can see the walls and think that it is a good idea to close everyone we love outside in order to protect our cities? Obviously, for Joshua, the walls had to come down. For Masada, their fortified city fell, as did the fortress in the rock for LOTR.

I have come to a realization over the last few months, that I have built my entire life up on all of the walls that I have. I have so many thick walls that I don't know what to do with, and now that I can see them and want to get rid of them to some extent, it makes me sick to think about breaking down my wall to the siege that God is holding against my heart.

Thankfully, God is persistant, and I just pray that I won't have the same result as Masada...

The big blessing is though, that God will never give up on us. He cares deeply and wants to have complete access to that part of us that we are trying so very hard to hide. Think about that for a second, we are trying to hid our deepest parts from God. Okay, do you know who God is? (Truth be told, we don't have the capacity to know God, his infiniteness cannot be explained by our finiteness. And thats a good thing if you ask me.

a scattering....

Oh my, what a long time it has been since I posted here! life has been so crazy busy. God is good, I am full of sin, and yet He loves me anyways.

The semester is almost done (!), and that leaves me with one more year before going out into the world and putting my training to use! So much has happened in the last semester, I have grown so much, sometimes I think that I might have fallen back - you know the old two steps forward one step back? That's me.

I have come to a new and wonderful understanding of what God has in store for me! He has been so wonderful to me in answering my prayers that He would give me a passion and train me to work for it. He has blown me away with the things that He is doing to answer that prayer for me. I have a huge growing passion for the Middle East, and I love arguing about it with people who think that single, blond, Christian girls like me should not go and put themselves into one of the hardest ministries out there. (sorry Gabe, if you are reading this... It's not true!). God has such HUGE things in store for each of His children. How are we going to get there? I really don't know.

My friend today was trying to encourage me in this crazy last week of school, and he told me this: I don't believe that you can do it Donna, but I do believe that the Spirit within you can. And that's what matters. I could not agree more, me on my own is worth nothing, can do nothing, and is not open to doing anything. but if you put the Holy Spirit inside of me, and give Him free reign, the possibilities are endless!

Remember dear friends, you have more power within you than you could ever imagine!

a collection of thoughts

Sitting here up in Joe's listening to Live Music Monday, working on my Doctrinal Position Paper for Sys Theo. Listening to my friends work on Greek homework while watching people walk through the plaza.

Can you get more Moody-like than I am now?

This is quite the surreal place to be, watching life pass by, looking towards the future, yet stuck in the past.

God will not let us forget for long how much He loves us and cares for us. We are truly in His hands. When we least expect it, we are taken aback by His washing over, wave by wave of unending grace for us. Don't loose sight of Him! God is taking care of us, even when He seems silent.

Now if only this would apply to all aspects of life as easily as it does to some. But if we did not have to trust that He is in control, then what is the purpose of faith?

Take heart my friends, there is light periodically throughout the tunnel.

Sacrifice

Sacrifice: an act of giving up something valued for the sake of something else regarded as more important or worthy.

Sacrifice. This is a term that we hear a lot in our lives. Or at least I have; especially in Bible school. From when I was a kid: "you need to sacrifice of yourself for your brother...--even if you don't like him;" to the teen years: "It's your sister's wedding, not yours.... give of yourself to make this day go smoothly." I also think a lot about sacrifice because one of my love languages is service. And service requires that you give of yourself for someone else. This is how we show love for other people! When you're love language is service, it is really hard to let someone else sacrifice for you. Something just does not seem right about it. You don't want anyone to be inconvenienced by you, that is the opposite of being a servant!

Something else that I have been thinking about in the last few weeks is that of the love of a Mother. I really have been pondering this a lot, and am in awe of how much a affect mom can have on your life! A mom gives up her life when you are born. There is a part of her that is gone when all of the sudden she now has to take care of a baby. Some moms have issues with this loss of freedom (we had to read Doris Lessing's To Room Nineteen in British Lit), and get lost in a mental illness. I would say this is one of the ultimate sacrifices.

My mom is AMAZING. Sure, we don't really get along that great, but she is the most supportive person that I know!!!!! Several times, she has told me how proud she is of me following God's purpose for my life. The fact that I have friends whose parents are less than supportive of their child's desire/calling to go into the mission field makes me appreciate this so much more.

Now its story time:

this semester has been really hard for me, both academically, and financially. I live in Chicago and pay my way through school with my nanny wages. I was not able to get as many hours this semester, which was probably a good thing because this semester has been particularly grueling. I have been fighting with the decision of what to do for next semester, do I stay here and try and work through again after being abroad this summer? do I take a semester off and work in the city? do I ask for an extra semester so that I can work more hours? its a really hard decision to make. when I was denied for off campus housing, called my mom. after we had talked a while, we came to a point where she came to me with this:

Donna, I love you, and I support you 110% in what you are doing at school. I didn't want to tell you this till later, but I think you need to know it now: I am taking a mortgage out on the house to pay for your school.

what do you do with a statement like that? I don't want YOUR money! I said, you have done so much for me already, you can't afford this!

Donna, you don't have a choice. this is what I am going to do, and you don't have any say in it.

I did not want my mom to sacrifice for me, because I am indebted to HER for all that she has done for me. I was angry with her, how dare she take things into her own hands. God will provide for me here!

It was not until several hours later in a conversation with a friend about the matter that she pointed out that God uses each of his children, in different ways, all to cary out His work. He wants me here, to do His work in Chicago, as well as preparing me for the future ministry that He has in store. My mom? maybe her part in the scheme of things at this time is to pay for my school so that I can focus on learning again. Who am I to tell God that I don't want the help that He has so graciously provided for me?

Do I think that it's fair that my mom is sacrificing so much of her so very little for me? NOT AT ALL! But let's think for a second: as my friend so greatly put it: Donna, where did your salvation come from? My salvation comes through the death of Jesus Christ. How's this for a question: do I think its fair that God sacrificed His ONLY son (His so very little) for me, a pitiful sinner? I certainly don't think that this is fair.

This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins.

1 John 4: 9-10

Who am I to say who God can use? As for my mom? God will take care of her. She is following her leading in this time of her life! I cannot worry about what is to come, God will take care of this. what I do know is this:

But the eyes of the Lord are on those who fear him, on those whose hope is in His unfailing love. To deliver them from death and keep them alive in famine.

Psalm 33: 18-19

God is faithful and will preserve His people. they will never be outside of His hand of protection. Be encouraged my friends, God is good.

Singing in the Shower

It has been a while since I last posted! I was looking over my past posts, and I see a theme of music. Lots of posts with lyrics and reasons I like them or why they move me. I tell my friends who comment on my singing all the time (wherever I am, whatever I'm doing, I always have a song in my mouth), that if they ever don't hear me singing in the shower, that there is something wrong, be it that I have a lot on my mind, or that I don't have a voice.

This week, I have not been singing much, lots on the mind. Lots of things that take my focus away from where it should be: on Christ. in my devotions this week, God has been continually reassuring me of His care and provision for me. He is gently reminding me that all these thoughts that are running through my head all the time are not what I should be concentrating on.

First, God has reminded me that a Thankful heart in the midst of trials shows His glory and my faith that He has a bigger plan in store for me than what I may want in the moment.

Then today, when I could not concentrate on my devotions, I read this: "let the goal of this day be to bring every thought captive to [God]. [...] In [His] radiant Light, anxious thoughts shrink and shrivel away.

We need to focus our thoughts on Him, when we do, we no longer worry about the everyday things that bog us down, we see a bigger picture, one where His plan is what we are concerned with.

So, the next time you can't concentrate because life is getting you down, remember that God has a bigger plan in store, and that you are there for a reason. Shoot up a prayer of thanksgiving for the trial that is creating you to be the person you are meant to be, and hear the words of God:

I WILL GAURD YOU AND KEEP YOU IN CONSTANT PEACE, AS YOU FOCUS YOUR MIND ON ME.

~Happy singing!

unaltered response

Christmas this year was thankfully the best one in several years. There were no fights with the siblings about how we don't want to go to one or another Christmas. There was no evident hard feelings for going to one of those "other Christmases."

What a way to end the Christmas week. Granted, we have one more tomorrow, but I think we will be able to handle it.

This post is not about my hard past holidays, it is about the glory of rebirth. I laughed when I got a text today that said Happy Incarnation Day, but that is the real meaning of today, and we forget about it so much! My devotions over this break have been ones that have reassured and reminded me of WHO Christ is, and WHAT He came to do.

God sent His son, we all know that, but what we don't think of is how technical that really gets. How does the balance between divine and human work; what kind of God is Christ? I think that the thing that I personally forget the most about Christ is that He is STILL fully divine and fully human. He is in the reincarnated form, but Christ did not come to earth to be a man, so that He could save us then go back to glory, back to His fully divine nature that He had before the Incarnation. He gave it all up forever.

The other thing that we don't think of is how amazing God has to be to plan all this out, and fulfill all prophesies and rules that He has laid out.

If you are looking for something to read in your devotions, check out the beginning of Romans. Read how Paul understands the Incarnation, and allow God to speak to you of the intricateness of the Incarnation, and marvel as I am at not only how amazing Christ is for becoming flesh, but also at how God designed it all, making it so that we could come to know Christ, and eventually spend eternity with Him.