I was looking through my email program on my computer, and found an old note that I had written. It was dated August 15, 2008. Almost exactly 2 years ago. I thought it very interesting how much I have grown, since, but also how much I still have to learn.
It's funny how God reveals Himself, and your true self, to you.
In the past few days a gut wrenching realization has hit me. I look in every place and person I'm close to as my primary source for love, attention and affection.
Did you catch the problem with that?
My primary source.
I've ignored the reality that I am loved beyond measure, cherished and showered with affection beyond my deepest need. I've turned my back on the One who never hesitates to whisper I love you. I've stared love in the face and not seen it. I crave something I can only get from my Father, and have been clawing for it here, from others, namely male. Why? I don't know. Maybe it has something to do with my earthly father and our past. I'm not sure.
Whatever it may be, He's calling to me. He's patched me in and stopped my way so much it hurts, and I ache for love. He's left one way ... to Him. I've begun to resent the words "I love you," because they've yet to be said to me by someone here. I've turned to others, that I care about deeply, and sought something from them that was not my place to seek.
I even sought out advice on this very struggle from friends before God. Physical, verbal, emotional affirmation from people is not enough. If anything, it's a temporary fix for my ache. I'm learning, quickly, that this deep need cannot be filled anyplace but one. It hurts. I have confused myself and my feelings for others, twisted affection and namely, attention, into some sort of measurement of my self-worth.
I'm sorry. I'm hurting, but I'm growing. I've got an inkling feeling that this realization, this gradual change, is a huge step in my stroll alongside Jesus. I want to lay underneath the stars, and breathe deep and have a long, long talk. And be held in His arms that never fail, never leave, and are ever caring. Good thing that is exactly what He wants to do with me too.
This is all that I can say, right now.
Saturday, August 14, 2010
Thursday, August 5, 2010
No, not the answer to the prayer that I was talking about in my last post, but better!
May the God of Hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. Romans 15:13
This is a verse I stumbled on in my devotions a few days ago. The strong mention of hope, joy, and peace caught my eye, my life has strangely been lacking in especially the joy area. So I automatically prayed this verse for myself. I held God to this promise. Then the next night, I reread this passage again, and realized that I had found this joy, because God reminded me of how great, and powerful He is.
Without fail, I can remember how before every significant event in my life I prayed that God would grow me and mold me to be the woman He wants me to be. I always pray that He would change me, no matter what that means in my life. God answers that prayer every day that I am alive. I can see with every hard thing that has happened to me, that it is an answer to my prayer that God would mold me and shape me.
This prayer is no different. I can see that the struggle I have been dealing with this summer, is not so much a struggle to get to the end of it, which I have been treating it as so, but it is a journey, where I learn so much in the process.
I cannot even begin to list the things that I have learned this summer as a result of this struggle. I have no idea even where to start! God has touched every aspect of my life through this one situation. And because of this, I am and evermore will be eternally grateful and overwhelmed with joy because of the life that God has supplied me with!
I am reading a book called Victorious Praying by Bill Thrasher (moody press), and last night I read the chapter about God's desire to bless us. Here is an excerpt:
If we insist on having our own way, God will give it to us. he encourages his redeemed people to open their mouths and let Him graciously fill them. If His people refuse to listen to Him, He will give them over "to the stubbornness of their heart" (psalm 81:12). [...] He still desires to bless his disobedient people and encourages their return to him! In prayer, we must humbly come to God and recognize that he is kind and good. We must view him not as one who desires to withhold from us what is truly best [like what we want] but as One who earnestly years to bless us beyond our highest imagination.
So, next time, instead of questioning weather God has your best interests in mind, look instead to see what the big picture might be. Perhaps you will find yourself in a situation similar to mine, where the result of the hard situation is no longer the issue, it is how much more am I going to grow in it before it is resolved?