a new perspective

Have you ever had that feeling of something in your own life that you are dealing with that will not go away? it keeps nagging at you and you don't know what to do with it!

I have this feeling a lot. And the sad thing is that most of the time the only thing that I can do is pray about it. Often times though, this just keeps me focused more on myself and my problems instead of on the Lord and what He is trying to teach me. I think that what I am trying to say is that it really matters how you pray about different things. If you are really concerned for a friend and think of them often, then pray for them often!! but if you find yourself thinking on something in your life that you cannot change and that you really need to be move on from -- a family situation perhaps? or a friendship that did not work out? or even being away from friends for a long period of time? While sometimes it is very good to pray about these specific situations, sometimes you need to move on from and stop dwelling on them too. There is something that I have been trying to move on from bothering me for quite some time, and after praying about it for a long time, I realized that every time I prayed to move on, it would bring it up fresh in my mind again. So a while ago, whenever I would think about this thing that will not go away, I would instead focus on God's sovereignty, His control over my life. This helps a lot when you don't understand something. Instead of sitting around trying to figure it out, just focus on what God has figured out for you.

I was really having a hard time with this last night, so instead of watching a movie or something to take my mind of it, I opened up my Bible. I am using my read through the Bible in a year for my devotional book (not that really keep to the plan... lol), and when I got to the Psalm portion I read this:

Teach me, O LORD, to follow your decrees;

then I will keep them to the end.

Give me understanding, and I will keep your law

and obey it with all my heart.

Direct me in the path of your commands,

for there I find delight.

Turn my heart toward your statutes

and not toward selfish gain.

Turn my eyes away from worthless things;

preserve my life according to your word.

Fulfill your promise to your servant,

so that you may be feared.

Take away the disgrace I dread,

for your laws are good.

How I long for your precepts!

Preserve my life in your righteousness.

Psalm 119 33-40

This was exactly what I was/am praying. To follow God in all that He has planned for me, but at the same time, it is very hard to do this because I don't know exactly what He is looking for. God is in control, and this I am sure of. He will reveal to us in His time what we need to do. So while we may be stuck on one thing for months at a time, there is a purpose and He will lead us to the answer in His time. If we pray this, if we mean this, then how can we stray from God's leading for our lives? He will guide us in His paths and we must trust Him, striving to allow Him to use us in His way, not in ours.

Above All Else

here I sit, in my little apartment with my lovely roommates waiting to leave for work, my mind is so full of things that i don't know what I am supposed to do with them! I believe that the most prevalent thing I am mulling over in my mind is how necessary it is to give God glory and praise all the time.

In my devotions, I am reading about David's captivity/hiding from Saul, while at the same time, reading through some of David's most praise filled Psalms. For example, Psalm 113:

Praise the LORD.
Praise, O servants of the LORD,
praise the name of the LORD.

Let the name of the LORD be praised,
both now and forevermore.

From the rising of the sun to the place where it sets,
the name of the LORD is to be praised.

The LORD is exalted over all the nations,
his glory above the heavens.

Who is like the LORD our God,
the One who sits enthroned on high,

who stoops down to look
on the heavens and the earth?

He raises the poor from the dust
and lifts the needy from the ash heap;

he seats them with princes,
with the princes of their people.

He settles the barren woman in her home
as a happy mother of children.
Praise the LORD.

David here knows that there is more to life than struggling through things that seem too hard to do. God gives us the strength that we need to cary on. Next time you find yourself dwelling on something that you know is beyond your control and is really just dragging you down, just remember that God is in control, and praise Him for his great faithfulness and sovereignty before all else. Instant pick-me-up if you ask me :)

post finals nonsense

hmm a new post. I don't know what exactly to write, I don't have any deep theological or encouraging things to say -- not at the end of finals week that is!

I am sitting in my dark, half empty room, fighting the humidity, while wishing I could be sleeping. but alas, I tried that, and my body says no.

Have you ever had the feeling that life makes more sense when you are alone than when you actually live it out? I have that feeling a lot. It makes sense in my head, but outside it does not. one of my greatest struggles is wanting everyone to like me. I don't do well with people not liking me, because I want to make everyone happy, and if people don't like me, I must make them not happy, and if they are not happy, then I am not happy.

*interjection: the girls next door just had an encounter with a cockroach and are screaming in the hall* just in case you were wondering :P

anyways: I have a friend here, and we sorta had a falling out. It is really sad when things don't work out in general, and on top of things not working out, you have to live with the consequences that result from the friendship before. We are still "friends" but not near what we once were. This makes me very sad because this was a friendship that I really valued, and now, while our falling out has been resolved, it is still really difficult to know to what level our friendship can reach again. All I know is that I really miss that friendship, and my friend being so distant makes me feel like he doesn't like me, or like to be around me (which I doubt is true, it is just very hard to not read the actions, and to read the person I know he is).

This situation is really strange, because I know that I should not feel rejected, I don't! but if not rejected, then what am I supposed to feel? I just miss the friendship, and I sorta have a feeling that he does too. why are our lives so much more complicated when you try and share even a simple friendship with someone? it all usually (-not at the moment because it is thursday of finals week) makes so much more sense in my head.

The other thing that is really hard to deal with these days is balancing trusting God with being responsible. the problem with not having a place to stay this weekend/summer makes life quite hard, but when do I need to stop waiting for paperwork and start looking for somewhere else to stay? oh the questions and concerns that never cease to bog me down with worries... cast all your cares upon Him, for He cares for you.

I close out with my rendition of Krista's verse from choir this year (my rendition because I am too lazy to look it up even tho there is a bible right in front of me... so you get my memorized, erred version :P):

For this is what the High and Holy one says -- he who lives forever, who's name is Holy:

I live in a high and lofty place, but also with him who is contrite and lowly of spirit, to revive the spirit of the lowly, and to revive the heart of the contrite. I will not accuse forever, nor will I always be angry, for then the spirit of man would grow faint before me, the breath of man whom I have created.

I was enraged by his sinful greed, I turned from him and hid my face from him in anger. yet he kept on in his willful ways. I have seen his ways, but I will heal him. I will guide him and restore comfort to him, creating praise on the lips of the mourners of Israel: Peace, peace to those far and near says the Lord your God, and I will heal him. Isaiah 57