I am sitting in my dark, half empty room, fighting the humidity, while wishing I could be sleeping. but alas, I tried that, and my body says no.
Have you ever had the feeling that life makes more sense when you are alone than when you actually live it out? I have that feeling a lot. It makes sense in my head, but outside it does not. one of my greatest struggles is wanting everyone to like me. I don't do well with people not liking me, because I want to make everyone happy, and if people don't like me, I must make them not happy, and if they are not happy, then I am not happy.
*interjection: the girls next door just had an encounter with a cockroach and are screaming in the hall* just in case you were wondering :P
anyways: I have a friend here, and we sorta had a falling out. It is really sad when things don't work out in general, and on top of things not working out, you have to live with the consequences that result from the friendship before. We are still "friends" but not near what we once were. This makes me very sad because this was a friendship that I really valued, and now, while our falling out has been resolved, it is still really difficult to know to what level our friendship can reach again. All I know is that I really miss that friendship, and my friend being so distant makes me feel like he doesn't like me, or like to be around me (which I doubt is true, it is just very hard to not read the actions, and to read the person I know he is).
This situation is really strange, because I know that I should not feel rejected, I don't! but if not rejected, then what am I supposed to feel? I just miss the friendship, and I sorta have a feeling that he does too. why are our lives so much more complicated when you try and share even a simple friendship with someone? it all usually (-not at the moment because it is thursday of finals week) makes so much more sense in my head.
The other thing that is really hard to deal with these days is balancing trusting God with being responsible. the problem with not having a place to stay this weekend/summer makes life quite hard, but when do I need to stop waiting for paperwork and start looking for somewhere else to stay? oh the questions and concerns that never cease to bog me down with worries... cast all your cares upon Him, for He cares for you.
I close out with my rendition of Krista's verse from choir this year (my rendition because I am too lazy to look it up even tho there is a bible right in front of me... so you get my memorized, erred version :P):
For this is what the High and Holy one says -- he who lives forever, who's name is Holy:
I live in a high and lofty place, but also with him who is contrite and lowly of spirit, to revive the spirit of the lowly, and to revive the heart of the contrite. I will not accuse forever, nor will I always be angry, for then the spirit of man would grow faint before me, the breath of man whom I have created.
I was enraged by his sinful greed, I turned from him and hid my face from him in anger. yet he kept on in his willful ways. I have seen his ways, but I will heal him. I will guide him and restore comfort to him, creating praise on the lips of the mourners of Israel: Peace, peace to those far and near says the Lord your God, and I will heal him. Isaiah 57
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