alone

this is one of those nights where you sit and stare at the wall, tossing and turning in your bed praying for the sleep that you know won't find you for quite a while. Or maybe its one of those weeks. I have so much time on my hands which is not a big surprise as it is break, but I'm stranded at home without a car and no reason to go out (tho the car thing is my choice). I find myself filling my time with pointless tv, reruns of old shows, current seasons of new shows... the list goes on. Yet, here, at 12:20am, I find myself heading to hulu for another, just so that I don't have to stare needlessly at the wall anymore. I feel like an addict going back for one more hit. in this one week, I find myself understanding yet another reason the world is so lost, how we compensate for that massive void within. yet, I still lay here, turning back to my computer for that release of not having to go "there".

where is it exactly I don't want to go to? the loneliness of this broken, empty house? the responsibilities of being the "spiritual daughter"? the friends who you use and abuse your compassion, or the friends' compassion I use and abuse? the future plans I see falling apart before my very eyes, and the ever building pressure of knowing what you're going to do once you graduate? that one person who you can't get out of your head, no matter how much you pray God will release you from their grasp? There. I went there. I don't feel any better, in fact, I don't really like the idea of having this whole list of all this crap in my life. It defines me, it makes me who I am, without it, what would I think about? The good things, right? okay...

I have made it through moody with minimal debt on my own. I have a wonderful community of friends who let me use and abuse their compassion when i need it-- gladly. My God is big enough to rebuild and mend the broken relationships in my family. He has a plan in store for me that must be incredible, because I'm sure getting attacked for it now! I have parents who are so supportive of whatever plans God has in store for me, i know they will always be behind me every step of the way. I have desires and passions i know have come from God, and I am learning to hone them and use them for His kingdom.

but, I attempt to fill this time spent fretting over problems, with the "good things". its not nearly as time consuming to worry and plan, as it is to count your blessings, learn, and move on. again the problem of staring at the wall at now, 12:50 arises. So I turn to school. I bought books today, and lucky me! one of them it said right on the syllabus it was just a report that I could do over break. so I fill my time with that. it's not much better than hulu in the way it fills my void, but I sure don't feel as guilty about it!

I'm still trying to fill this void within with man made things, worry, or praise, they still come from me and stem from me and my humanity. nothing can fill the void other than Christ. But how? how do I let Christ be that source of contentment? that purpose for life that I need when i sit at home for 2 weeks with nothing to do? the world may seem life a lost cause, but if I'm not, then it's not. there is hope, and it lies within; for there lies Christ.

a collection of thoughts

Sitting here up in Joe's listening to Live Music Monday, working on my Doctrinal Position Paper for Sys Theo. Listening to my friends work on Greek homework while watching people walk through the plaza.

Can you get more Moody-like than I am now?

This is quite the surreal place to be, watching life pass by, looking towards the future, yet stuck in the past.

God will not let us forget for long how much He loves us and cares for us. We are truly in His hands. When we least expect it, we are taken aback by His washing over, wave by wave of unending grace for us. Don't loose sight of Him! God is taking care of us, even when He seems silent.

Now if only this would apply to all aspects of life as easily as it does to some. But if we did not have to trust that He is in control, then what is the purpose of faith?

Take heart my friends, there is light periodically throughout the tunnel.

Systematic Theology

I was walking home from Target last night with my friend Kendra and we were talking about life in general, how she want's to be a missionary to Hawaii, and I want to be one in the Middle East somewhere. In general, we were talking about how amazing God is, how he cultivates in us this passion for something without having ever done something (She has actually been to Hawaii, but not on a missions trip). God is so incredible and big that He plans these things out, that He gives us passions and gifts that can be used too further His Kingdom. This is not only an exciting thought but a terrifying one too! We get so caught up in life, in classes, in paperwork, in work, that the big picture slips our minds. We don't remember the reason that we are here!

In Systematic Theology this year, we studied the attributes and nature of God. We spent weeks looking at who God is, and what He does. It was the most incredible class. We have this knowledge of who we know God to be, but we don't really apply that to anything else, its just our lives. To study God and who He is, what He does, and what He is capable of doing, there is nothing greater! The extent of which God is so amazingly consistent with Himself is so mind blowing!

Thinking of this makes me realize how little I really have to worry about, I am only a mere college student who is busy in the terms of the world, but the thing that makes all this ok is that God has the very minute details of my life planned out for me! I don't have to worry about what is going because God is in control.

May our prayers be that God would always bring us to the place that we will be closest to Him, no matter what that implies.

Wisdom and the Fear of the Lord

So, I have been doing a study on the fear of the Lord. I was challenged in a book to read a chapter in proverbs a day, and when the first day I was overwhelmed by the first 7 verses of the first chapter, I decided to take my own sweet time reading through.

The first thing that stuck out as I read, was verse 7:

The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge.

my thought was- I don't fear God enough.

Think about it, how many times have you been overwhelmed by fear of the amazingly powerful God that we serve?

On the other hand, I don't exactly know what a lifestyle looks like that is filled with this holy fear. So, the next day, I read on:

v. 20

Wisdom cries aloud in the street, in the markets, she raises her voice.

That day (yesterday), as I was walking throughout this magnificent city that I live in, i could not help but picture wisdom standing at the corner of Belden and LP west crying with no one to hear her, or standing by the t-rex in the field museum amid the thousands of people who would walk by her that day alone.

Do you hear wisdom? I know that I don't always hear what she has to say, and I don't pay attention when I probably should.

this morning, I read something great in chapter 2:

My son, if you receive my words
and treasure up my commandments with you,
making your ear attentive to wisdom
and inclining your heart to understanding;
yes, if you call out for insight
and raise your voice for understanding,
if you seek it like silver
and search for it as for hidden treasures,
then you will understand the fear of the LORD
and find the knowledge of God.

So, this morning, i go off to work, not concerned about that I don't know what true fear of the Lord looks like, and not upset that I cannot hear wisdom as I see her shouting wisdom on the street corners. If I truly seek her and long to understand, I will know, God promises it!