alone

this is one of those nights where you sit and stare at the wall, tossing and turning in your bed praying for the sleep that you know won't find you for quite a while. Or maybe its one of those weeks. I have so much time on my hands which is not a big surprise as it is break, but I'm stranded at home without a car and no reason to go out (tho the car thing is my choice). I find myself filling my time with pointless tv, reruns of old shows, current seasons of new shows... the list goes on. Yet, here, at 12:20am, I find myself heading to hulu for another, just so that I don't have to stare needlessly at the wall anymore. I feel like an addict going back for one more hit. in this one week, I find myself understanding yet another reason the world is so lost, how we compensate for that massive void within. yet, I still lay here, turning back to my computer for that release of not having to go "there".

where is it exactly I don't want to go to? the loneliness of this broken, empty house? the responsibilities of being the "spiritual daughter"? the friends who you use and abuse your compassion, or the friends' compassion I use and abuse? the future plans I see falling apart before my very eyes, and the ever building pressure of knowing what you're going to do once you graduate? that one person who you can't get out of your head, no matter how much you pray God will release you from their grasp? There. I went there. I don't feel any better, in fact, I don't really like the idea of having this whole list of all this crap in my life. It defines me, it makes me who I am, without it, what would I think about? The good things, right? okay...

I have made it through moody with minimal debt on my own. I have a wonderful community of friends who let me use and abuse their compassion when i need it-- gladly. My God is big enough to rebuild and mend the broken relationships in my family. He has a plan in store for me that must be incredible, because I'm sure getting attacked for it now! I have parents who are so supportive of whatever plans God has in store for me, i know they will always be behind me every step of the way. I have desires and passions i know have come from God, and I am learning to hone them and use them for His kingdom.

but, I attempt to fill this time spent fretting over problems, with the "good things". its not nearly as time consuming to worry and plan, as it is to count your blessings, learn, and move on. again the problem of staring at the wall at now, 12:50 arises. So I turn to school. I bought books today, and lucky me! one of them it said right on the syllabus it was just a report that I could do over break. so I fill my time with that. it's not much better than hulu in the way it fills my void, but I sure don't feel as guilty about it!

I'm still trying to fill this void within with man made things, worry, or praise, they still come from me and stem from me and my humanity. nothing can fill the void other than Christ. But how? how do I let Christ be that source of contentment? that purpose for life that I need when i sit at home for 2 weeks with nothing to do? the world may seem life a lost cause, but if I'm not, then it's not. there is hope, and it lies within; for there lies Christ.

released

Oh my, it has been so very long since I have been able to write on here. I don't know if anyone reads this blog, but even so, it is good for me to be able to go back and read up on how I have been growing and changing.

walls. Walls are a wonderful thing: they keep the cold out on a winter night, keep the cool in on a hot summer's day, they block out (most) unwanted noise as well as keeping your darkest secrets confined. But there is something else about walls. When you are under siege, the walls are both good and bad, in Lord of the Rings, the walls kept the bad guys out, as well as protected the good guys. In Joshua, they were disintegrated, providing no means of protection. On Masada, the walls are what kept the people inside the city, making it impossible to get out without being seen.

What does it mean to build walls around your heart? How is it that we can see the walls and think that it is a good idea to close everyone we love outside in order to protect our cities? Obviously, for Joshua, the walls had to come down. For Masada, their fortified city fell, as did the fortress in the rock for LOTR.

I have come to a realization over the last few months, that I have built my entire life up on all of the walls that I have. I have so many thick walls that I don't know what to do with, and now that I can see them and want to get rid of them to some extent, it makes me sick to think about breaking down my wall to the siege that God is holding against my heart.

Thankfully, God is persistant, and I just pray that I won't have the same result as Masada...

The big blessing is though, that God will never give up on us. He cares deeply and wants to have complete access to that part of us that we are trying so very hard to hide. Think about that for a second, we are trying to hid our deepest parts from God. Okay, do you know who God is? (Truth be told, we don't have the capacity to know God, his infiniteness cannot be explained by our finiteness. And thats a good thing if you ask me.

a scattering....

Oh my, what a long time it has been since I posted here! life has been so crazy busy. God is good, I am full of sin, and yet He loves me anyways.

The semester is almost done (!), and that leaves me with one more year before going out into the world and putting my training to use! So much has happened in the last semester, I have grown so much, sometimes I think that I might have fallen back - you know the old two steps forward one step back? That's me.

I have come to a new and wonderful understanding of what God has in store for me! He has been so wonderful to me in answering my prayers that He would give me a passion and train me to work for it. He has blown me away with the things that He is doing to answer that prayer for me. I have a huge growing passion for the Middle East, and I love arguing about it with people who think that single, blond, Christian girls like me should not go and put themselves into one of the hardest ministries out there. (sorry Gabe, if you are reading this... It's not true!). God has such HUGE things in store for each of His children. How are we going to get there? I really don't know.

My friend today was trying to encourage me in this crazy last week of school, and he told me this: I don't believe that you can do it Donna, but I do believe that the Spirit within you can. And that's what matters. I could not agree more, me on my own is worth nothing, can do nothing, and is not open to doing anything. but if you put the Holy Spirit inside of me, and give Him free reign, the possibilities are endless!

Remember dear friends, you have more power within you than you could ever imagine!

a collection of thoughts

Sitting here up in Joe's listening to Live Music Monday, working on my Doctrinal Position Paper for Sys Theo. Listening to my friends work on Greek homework while watching people walk through the plaza.

Can you get more Moody-like than I am now?

This is quite the surreal place to be, watching life pass by, looking towards the future, yet stuck in the past.

God will not let us forget for long how much He loves us and cares for us. We are truly in His hands. When we least expect it, we are taken aback by His washing over, wave by wave of unending grace for us. Don't loose sight of Him! God is taking care of us, even when He seems silent.

Now if only this would apply to all aspects of life as easily as it does to some. But if we did not have to trust that He is in control, then what is the purpose of faith?

Take heart my friends, there is light periodically throughout the tunnel.

Sacrifice

Sacrifice: an act of giving up something valued for the sake of something else regarded as more important or worthy.

Sacrifice. This is a term that we hear a lot in our lives. Or at least I have; especially in Bible school. From when I was a kid: "you need to sacrifice of yourself for your brother...--even if you don't like him;" to the teen years: "It's your sister's wedding, not yours.... give of yourself to make this day go smoothly." I also think a lot about sacrifice because one of my love languages is service. And service requires that you give of yourself for someone else. This is how we show love for other people! When you're love language is service, it is really hard to let someone else sacrifice for you. Something just does not seem right about it. You don't want anyone to be inconvenienced by you, that is the opposite of being a servant!

Something else that I have been thinking about in the last few weeks is that of the love of a Mother. I really have been pondering this a lot, and am in awe of how much a affect mom can have on your life! A mom gives up her life when you are born. There is a part of her that is gone when all of the sudden she now has to take care of a baby. Some moms have issues with this loss of freedom (we had to read Doris Lessing's To Room Nineteen in British Lit), and get lost in a mental illness. I would say this is one of the ultimate sacrifices.

My mom is AMAZING. Sure, we don't really get along that great, but she is the most supportive person that I know!!!!! Several times, she has told me how proud she is of me following God's purpose for my life. The fact that I have friends whose parents are less than supportive of their child's desire/calling to go into the mission field makes me appreciate this so much more.

Now its story time:

this semester has been really hard for me, both academically, and financially. I live in Chicago and pay my way through school with my nanny wages. I was not able to get as many hours this semester, which was probably a good thing because this semester has been particularly grueling. I have been fighting with the decision of what to do for next semester, do I stay here and try and work through again after being abroad this summer? do I take a semester off and work in the city? do I ask for an extra semester so that I can work more hours? its a really hard decision to make. when I was denied for off campus housing, called my mom. after we had talked a while, we came to a point where she came to me with this:

Donna, I love you, and I support you 110% in what you are doing at school. I didn't want to tell you this till later, but I think you need to know it now: I am taking a mortgage out on the house to pay for your school.

what do you do with a statement like that? I don't want YOUR money! I said, you have done so much for me already, you can't afford this!

Donna, you don't have a choice. this is what I am going to do, and you don't have any say in it.

I did not want my mom to sacrifice for me, because I am indebted to HER for all that she has done for me. I was angry with her, how dare she take things into her own hands. God will provide for me here!

It was not until several hours later in a conversation with a friend about the matter that she pointed out that God uses each of his children, in different ways, all to cary out His work. He wants me here, to do His work in Chicago, as well as preparing me for the future ministry that He has in store. My mom? maybe her part in the scheme of things at this time is to pay for my school so that I can focus on learning again. Who am I to tell God that I don't want the help that He has so graciously provided for me?

Do I think that it's fair that my mom is sacrificing so much of her so very little for me? NOT AT ALL! But let's think for a second: as my friend so greatly put it: Donna, where did your salvation come from? My salvation comes through the death of Jesus Christ. How's this for a question: do I think its fair that God sacrificed His ONLY son (His so very little) for me, a pitiful sinner? I certainly don't think that this is fair.

This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins.

1 John 4: 9-10

Who am I to say who God can use? As for my mom? God will take care of her. She is following her leading in this time of her life! I cannot worry about what is to come, God will take care of this. what I do know is this:

But the eyes of the Lord are on those who fear him, on those whose hope is in His unfailing love. To deliver them from death and keep them alive in famine.

Psalm 33: 18-19

God is faithful and will preserve His people. they will never be outside of His hand of protection. Be encouraged my friends, God is good.

Singing in the Shower

It has been a while since I last posted! I was looking over my past posts, and I see a theme of music. Lots of posts with lyrics and reasons I like them or why they move me. I tell my friends who comment on my singing all the time (wherever I am, whatever I'm doing, I always have a song in my mouth), that if they ever don't hear me singing in the shower, that there is something wrong, be it that I have a lot on my mind, or that I don't have a voice.

This week, I have not been singing much, lots on the mind. Lots of things that take my focus away from where it should be: on Christ. in my devotions this week, God has been continually reassuring me of His care and provision for me. He is gently reminding me that all these thoughts that are running through my head all the time are not what I should be concentrating on.

First, God has reminded me that a Thankful heart in the midst of trials shows His glory and my faith that He has a bigger plan in store for me than what I may want in the moment.

Then today, when I could not concentrate on my devotions, I read this: "let the goal of this day be to bring every thought captive to [God]. [...] In [His] radiant Light, anxious thoughts shrink and shrivel away.

We need to focus our thoughts on Him, when we do, we no longer worry about the everyday things that bog us down, we see a bigger picture, one where His plan is what we are concerned with.

So, the next time you can't concentrate because life is getting you down, remember that God has a bigger plan in store, and that you are there for a reason. Shoot up a prayer of thanksgiving for the trial that is creating you to be the person you are meant to be, and hear the words of God:

I WILL GAURD YOU AND KEEP YOU IN CONSTANT PEACE, AS YOU FOCUS YOUR MIND ON ME.

~Happy singing!

unaltered response

Christmas this year was thankfully the best one in several years. There were no fights with the siblings about how we don't want to go to one or another Christmas. There was no evident hard feelings for going to one of those "other Christmases."

What a way to end the Christmas week. Granted, we have one more tomorrow, but I think we will be able to handle it.

This post is not about my hard past holidays, it is about the glory of rebirth. I laughed when I got a text today that said Happy Incarnation Day, but that is the real meaning of today, and we forget about it so much! My devotions over this break have been ones that have reassured and reminded me of WHO Christ is, and WHAT He came to do.

God sent His son, we all know that, but what we don't think of is how technical that really gets. How does the balance between divine and human work; what kind of God is Christ? I think that the thing that I personally forget the most about Christ is that He is STILL fully divine and fully human. He is in the reincarnated form, but Christ did not come to earth to be a man, so that He could save us then go back to glory, back to His fully divine nature that He had before the Incarnation. He gave it all up forever.

The other thing that we don't think of is how amazing God has to be to plan all this out, and fulfill all prophesies and rules that He has laid out.

If you are looking for something to read in your devotions, check out the beginning of Romans. Read how Paul understands the Incarnation, and allow God to speak to you of the intricateness of the Incarnation, and marvel as I am at not only how amazing Christ is for becoming flesh, but also at how God designed it all, making it so that we could come to know Christ, and eventually spend eternity with Him.

Systematic Theology

I was walking home from Target last night with my friend Kendra and we were talking about life in general, how she want's to be a missionary to Hawaii, and I want to be one in the Middle East somewhere. In general, we were talking about how amazing God is, how he cultivates in us this passion for something without having ever done something (She has actually been to Hawaii, but not on a missions trip). God is so incredible and big that He plans these things out, that He gives us passions and gifts that can be used too further His Kingdom. This is not only an exciting thought but a terrifying one too! We get so caught up in life, in classes, in paperwork, in work, that the big picture slips our minds. We don't remember the reason that we are here!

In Systematic Theology this year, we studied the attributes and nature of God. We spent weeks looking at who God is, and what He does. It was the most incredible class. We have this knowledge of who we know God to be, but we don't really apply that to anything else, its just our lives. To study God and who He is, what He does, and what He is capable of doing, there is nothing greater! The extent of which God is so amazingly consistent with Himself is so mind blowing!

Thinking of this makes me realize how little I really have to worry about, I am only a mere college student who is busy in the terms of the world, but the thing that makes all this ok is that God has the very minute details of my life planned out for me! I don't have to worry about what is going because God is in control.

May our prayers be that God would always bring us to the place that we will be closest to Him, no matter what that implies.

Beauty From Pain

It's now the end of the semester, and things are going crazy. finals, papers, exams, presentations, chapel, work, internship prep, candlelight carols.... the list goes on and on. And all in the next 2 weeks. Sadly, while all this craziness goes on, there is no break from life whizzing on around. The only thing that I keep telling myself is that there is purpose, and that God has each person in the exact place they are supposed to be at this very moment. A few really hard things have been happening (well, more like old wounds being broken open) lately, mainly because I am so caught up in things of life that don't matter as much instead of being focused on what really does matter. Even through this pain that is going on, I know that there are innumerable things that God is teaching me through them, and that there will be relief eventually. This song is an all time favorite of mine, and just thinking about it makes me feel so much better.

The lights go out all around me
One last candle to keep out the night
And then the darkness surrounds me
I know i'm alive but i feel like i've died
And all that's left is to accept that it's over
My dreams ran like sand through the fists that i made
I try to keep warm but i just grow colder
I feel like i'm slipping away

After all this has passed, i still will remain
After i've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today,
Someday i'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

My whole world is the pain inside me
The best i can do is just get through the day
When life before is only a memory
I'll wonder why God lets me walk through this place
And though i can't understand why this happened
I know that i will when i look back someday
And see how you've brought beauty from ashes
And made me as gold purified through these flames

After all this has passed, i still will remain
After i've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today,
Someday i'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

Here i am, at the end of me
Tryin to hold to what i can't see
I forgot how to hope
This night's been so long
I cling to Your promise
There will be a dawn

After all this has passed, i still will remain
After i've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today,
Someday i'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

Superchick, Beauty from Pain

Does it make the tears go away? No. Does it make the hurt easier? No. Does it bring hope and a little peace to a shattered heart that keeps being dropped? YES. God has the greatest plan for our lives, and there is nothing that we could do to make it any better than the best that he has planned for us. There is purpose to this madness, and there will be joy again.

Jesus will meet you there

The middle of a really tough week, one filled with stress and decisions, yet I know that Jesus will meet me wherever I am. This song really portrays what I need to hear right about now. A truly broken girl, one fraught with sins and problems, yet, wherever I am Jesus know exactly where I am will never leave me.

When you think you've hit the bottom

and the bottom gives way

and you fall into a darkness

no words can explain

and you don't know how you make it out alive

Jesus will meet you there.

When the doctor says, "I'm sorry,

we don't know what else to do."

and you're looking at your family

wondering how they'll make it through...

Whatever road this life takes you down,

Jesus will meet you there.

He knows the way to wherever you are

He knows the way to the depths of your heart

He knows the way cuz he's already been

where you're going

Jesus will meet you there.

I hope that you find encouragement in this, that you will remember to spend time with the one who is in control of all. Keep looking up, you will get through!

When the jury says, "Guilty,"

and the prison doors close

When the one you love says nothing,

just packs up and goes

When the sunlight comes and your world's still dark,

Jesus will meet you there.

When you've failed again and all your

second chances have been used

And the heavy weight of guilt and shame

is crushing down on you...

And all you have is one last cry for help

Jesus will meet you there.

He knows the way to wherever you are

He knows the way to the depths of your heart

He knows the way cuz he's already been

where you're going

When you realize the dreams you've had

for your child won't come true

when the phone rings in the middle

of the night with tragic news...

Whatever valley you must walk through,

Jesus will meet you there.

He will meet you there.

Jesus will meet you there...

Abba, these days life is so busy, so full of things that we just do to get through. Please don't let me get distracted from the things that really don't matter. And even keep me from being sidetracked to the things that will only slow me down. Do not let me ever forget how faithful, holy, and sufficient you are. I am here, waiting for your plan, doing my best to hold onto what I know you have sent. sustain me, keep me focused on your glorious plan for my life.

This is not how it should be
This is not how it could be
This is how it is
And our God is in control

This is not how it will be
When we finally will see
We'll see with our own eyes
He was always in control

And we'll sing holy, holy, holy is our God
And we will finally really understand what it means
So we'll sing holy, holy, holy is our God
While we're waiting for that day

This is not where we planned to be
When we started this journey
But this is where we are
And our God is in control

Though this first taste is bitter
There will be sweetness forever
When we finally taste and see
That our God is in control

And we'll sing holy, holy, holy is our God
And we will finally really understand what it means
So we'll sing holy, holy, holy is our God
While we're waiting for that day

We're waiting for that day
We'll keep on waiting for that day
And we will rise
Our God is in control

Steven Curtis Chapmen: Our God is in Control

Choral Beauty

oh my, it has been so long since I last posted. So sorry about that, its called homework and there is nothing that I can do about it.

So, tonight we had our first choir concert. yes, after only 3 weeks of class, we trucked out to Skokie and sang in the 30th Anniversary Korean-American Christian Choir Festival (Or something similar to the title). We (Moody's Womens Concert Choir) were one of 11 different choirs, 1 of 2 who were American. Each choir sang 2 or 3 songs, and there was question and answer in between the different performances with different people, who I have no idea who they were or what they were talking about because they were all speaking in Korean (go figure).

This was by far one of the greatest highlights of this year, while we may not have been able to understand what they were singing, it was quite clear who they were singing to. God was at the forefront of the evening, and it was such an honor to be apart of it.

The other American choir was a men's choir with over 140 members, they sang the song Grace (if you are a Moody student, you would know this song as one that our men's choir fondly sings often, and one that Women's choir actually has in our repertoire for this year I think), an arrangement of Amazing Grace that is just beautiful. Their other piece was a gospel piece and had the whole place clapping and swaying along. It was so wonderful, and it moved the whole audience, mainly because Korean churches, from what I can tell, don't usually sing gospel, and when exposed, it was a grand sight. We followed a few acts later with our 2 little pieces, a Latin/American piece, and an arrangement of How Deep the Father's Love for Us. Dr Hong had the first portion of How Deep translated into Korean, and we learned it to be able to sing it for our hosts. The reaction was so amazing. You hear stories about how hearing the gospel in one's own tongue, and the change that it can make in your faith. There were tears in the audience, the mixture of the Gospel story with the fact that this little college choir would put the effort to learn a paragraph of Korean ministered to the hearts of many.

So, my lesson? Don't be afraid to not know what is going on around you, especially if you know that God is being glorified through it.

Sing to the Lord, praise His Name, proclaim His Salvation day after day.

blast from the past

I was looking through my email program on my computer, and found an old note that I had written. It was dated August 15, 2008. Almost exactly 2 years ago. I thought it very interesting how much I have grown, since, but also how much I still have to learn.


It's funny how God reveals Himself, and your true self, to you.
In the past few days a gut wrenching realization has hit me. I look in every place and person I'm close to as my primary source for love, attention and affection.

Did you catch the problem with that?

My primary source.

I've ignored the reality that I am loved beyond measure, cherished and showered with affection beyond my deepest need. I've turned my back on the One who never hesitates to whisper I love you. I've stared love in the face and not seen it. I crave something I can only get from my Father, and have been clawing for it here, from others, namely male. Why? I don't know. Maybe it has something to do with my earthly father and our past. I'm not sure.

Whatever it may be, He's calling to me. He's patched me in and stopped my way so much it hurts, and I ache for love. He's left one way ... to Him. I've begun to resent the words "I love you," because they've yet to be said to me by someone here. I've turned to others, that I care about deeply, and sought something from them that was not my place to seek.

I even sought out advice on this very struggle from friends before God. Physical, verbal, emotional affirmation from people is not enough. If anything, it's a temporary fix for my ache. I'm learning, quickly, that this deep need cannot be filled anyplace but one. It hurts. I have confused myself and my feelings for others, twisted affection and namely, attention, into some sort of measurement of my self-worth.

I'm sorry. I'm hurting, but I'm growing. I've got an inkling feeling that this realization, this gradual change, is a huge step in my stroll alongside Jesus. I want to lay underneath the stars, and breathe deep and have a long, long talk. And be held in His arms that never fail, never leave, and are ever caring. Good thing that is exactly what He wants to do with me too.

This is all that I can say, right now.

Answered Prayer

No, not the answer to the prayer that I was talking about in my last post, but better!

May the God of Hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. Romans 15:13

This is a verse I stumbled on in my devotions a few days ago. The strong mention of hope, joy, and peace caught my eye, my life has strangely been lacking in especially the joy area. So I automatically prayed this verse for myself. I held God to this promise. Then the next night, I reread this passage again, and realized that I had found this joy, because God reminded me of how great, and powerful He is.

Without fail, I can remember how before every significant event in my life I prayed that God would grow me and mold me to be the woman He wants me to be. I always pray that He would change me, no matter what that means in my life. God answers that prayer every day that I am alive. I can see with every hard thing that has happened to me, that it is an answer to my prayer that God would mold me and shape me.

This prayer is no different. I can see that the struggle I have been dealing with this summer, is not so much a struggle to get to the end of it, which I have been treating it as so, but it is a journey, where I learn so much in the process.

I cannot even begin to list the things that I have learned this summer as a result of this struggle. I have no idea even where to start! God has touched every aspect of my life through this one situation. And because of this, I am and evermore will be eternally grateful and overwhelmed with joy because of the life that God has supplied me with!

I am reading a book called Victorious Praying by Bill Thrasher (moody press), and last night I read the chapter about God's desire to bless us. Here is an excerpt:

If we insist on having our own way, God will give it to us. he encourages his redeemed people to open their mouths and let Him graciously fill them. If His people refuse to listen to Him, He will give them over "to the stubbornness of their heart" (psalm 81:12). [...] He still desires to bless his disobedient people and encourages their return to him! In prayer, we must humbly come to God and recognize that he is kind and good. We must view him not as one who desires to withhold from us what is truly best [like what we want] but as One who earnestly years to bless us beyond our highest imagination.

So, next time, instead of questioning weather God has your best interests in mind, look instead to see what the big picture might be. Perhaps you will find yourself in a situation similar to mine, where the result of the hard situation is no longer the issue, it is how much more am I going to grow in it before it is resolved?

Prayer.... again!!

you can never have too many posts about prayer!

Quite often, we think of prayer as a way of expressing oneself when we don't want to talk to people or can't talk to them. And also, to ask God for the things that we have no control over or what we think God probably wants to happen anyways.

This week, I have been thinking a lot about this concept of prayer, and I am coming to the conclusion that this is quite messed up. I will be the first to tell you that I don't know much about prayer. In my looking at what the Bible says, I have discovered so many things about prayer that I have yet to implement in my life.

There is something that has really been bothering me for the last 5 months or so, and I have held back from praying for what I want directly because I thought it too selfish a prayer. when I look at it from the eyes of my Bible, I realize that most of the personal prayers recorded are asking for personal matters that could be considered "selfish." The other reason I have refrained from praying about this is because I know that if God wants this situation resolved in the way I want it to be, He will. But then I think of Hannah in 1 Samuel, and how she wept like a crazy woman over her want for a son. Was it because of her prayer that God granted her request? or was it already in His plan for her life, and she only had to wait for it?

the question in my book really comes down to: Does it take more faith to not pray about something, trusting that God will supply our needs? or does it take more to pray for what you want, knowing God could say no? I decided that praying for the thing is what I should do. I trust God that whatever He has planned for my life will come to pass, but 5 months is a long time to pray against something and have it still be very prevalent in my thoughts. So, I'm switching it up. After all, Jesus prayed that God would pass the cup from his lips (Luke 22). I pray as He did, not my will O Lord, but yours be done.

Life Issues

Ever thought about how so many people have trust issues? I know that I am for sure one of those people. In the shower tonight, I was thinking about this, you see when you struggle with trusting people as I do, it is a common thought process. Anyways, as I was thinking about this, I realized something: It's not that we do or do not trust some people around us; when it comes down to it, we don't trust God. He promises us that He will take care of us, and if anything life brings to us is hard or painful God will be right there with us. He uses even the hard things to mold and shape us to be who He is calling us to be. Without the hardships of my life, I would not be anywhere near where I am today. Now I look at my heart, and every time I think about how I don't think I may ever be able to trust a guy as a wife should trust her husband, I am telling God right to his face that I don't trust Him to take care of me. So, if you are like me, and find it hard to trust people when you think I can't trust him/her think rather, are you trusting God? This gives me such hope, for I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God is in control of all things, and that God will take care of me. I don't need to be afraid of all the pain that one person could inflict on me, I need to trust God.

I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall. I well remember them, and my soul is downcast within me. Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning: great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, "The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord. Lamentations 3:19-26

Time

It has been quite a long while since I last posted. I have not really had a chance to even think about something deep... I have been so busy. I will try tho! just for you, the one reader who skims my rantings.... :)

This past weekend, I was blessed to have a couple of guy friends from high school come visit me and my other friend from then that lives in the area. We had a blast, and were so busy!! It was really good to be able to catch up with them, they are a year younger than my friend Rachel (the one who lives near me for the summer) and I, so they are just fresh from their first year of college. It was fun to hear their stories and to catch up. But by far the most exciting part was stepping back in time for the weekend, going back to the days when we were sitting on the couch in the youth room...

Life was so easy then, my biggest care was that I didn't have many friends -- that obviously was not a problem... and the next biggest care was about college... would we make it? would we love moving out? that all seems like a lifetime ago! For me so much has happened since then! lets see what has happened..... I went to Sudan, and came back a changed person; my dad left us and has sense divorced my mom and remarried; my uncle died at the most inopportune time; I spent one semester in one state, came home and worked full time while being a full time student online (don't try this at home folks!); moved to this windy city; had my first boyfriend... and my second for that matter; toured the country with my choir; submerged myself in learning public transit; moved into my own apartment (if only for the summer); and now, i find my days occupied with the cutest little kids known to man!

Life is so interesting... God has so much in store for us, so much that we can't see now, and might not ever understand. Yet, we are promised that if we seek the Lord, we will find Him! He loves us more than we could ever imagine, and only allows things to happen to us so that we can become more the people that we are created to be.

Do not loose hope my friend! there is light at the end of this dark tunnel that we call life. There is Heaven to look forward to! And on top of that, we can do so much right were we are, there are countless ways that we can use the gifts that God has given us to serve others around us. Be open to learning, be open to hurting, be open to changing.

the JOY of the LORD is our strength! do not let anything or anyone try and convince you otherwise. you are in the BEST of hands.

Eternal Life

So, I was reading my friend Jillian's profile, and I found this, knowing enough french to get me into trouble, I quickly recognized this as the lyrics to the Women's Choir's traditional final piece, Eternal Life.

Seigneur, faites de moi un instrument de votre paix.
Là où il y a de la haine, que je mette l'amour.
Là où il y a l'offense, que je mette le pardon.
Là où il y a la discorde, que je mette l'union.
Là où il y a l'erreur, que je mette la vérité.
Là où il y a le doute, que je mette la foi.
Là où il y a le désespoir, que je mette l'espérance.
Là où il y a les ténèbres, que je mette votre lumière.
Là où il y a la tristesse, que je mette la joie.
Ô Maître, que je ne cherche pas tant à être consolé qu'à consoler,
à être compris qu'à comprendre,
à être aimé qu'à aimer,
car c'est en donnant qu'on reçoit,
c'est en s'oubliant qu'on trouve, c'est en pardonnant qu'on est pardonné,
c'est en mourant qu'on ressuscite à l'éternelle vie." - St. Francis

not translated directly, but the lyrics of our song:

Lord, Make me an instrument of thy peace, peace.

Where there is hatred, let me sow love

where there is injury pardon,

where there is doubt, faith,

where there is despair, hope!

where there is darkness, light!

where there is sadness, JOY!

Oh, Divine Master, grant that I may not,

so much seek to be consoled as to console,

to be understood as to understand,

to be loved, as to love.

For it is in giving that we receive,

it is in pardoning that we are pardoned,

it is in dying that we are born,

to eternal life

Such an amazing piece, I love this song so much, it truly grasps the true meaning of life.

Eternal Life

So, I was reading my friend Jillian's profile, and I found this, knowing enough french to get me into trouble, I quickly recognized this as the lyrics to the Women's Choir's traditional final piece, Eternal Life.

Seigneur, faites de moi un instrument de votre paix.
Là où il y a de la haine, que je mette l'amour.
Là où il y a l'offense, que je mette le pardon.
Là où il y a la discorde, que je mette l'union.
Là où il y a l'erreur, que je mette la vérité.
Là où il y a le doute, que je mette la foi.
Là où il y a le désespoir, que je mette l'espérance.
Là où il y a les ténèbres, que je mette votre lumière.
Là où il y a la tristesse, que je mette la joie.
Ô Maître, que je ne cherche pas tant à être consolé qu'à consoler,
à être compris qu'à comprendre,
à être aimé qu'à aimer,
car c'est en donnant qu'on reçoit,
c'est en s'oubliant qu'on trouve, c'est en pardonnant qu'on est pardonné,
c'est en mourant qu'on ressuscite à l'éternelle vie." - St. Francis

not translated directly, but the lyrics of our song:

Lord, Make me an instrument of thy peace, peace.

Where there is hatred, let me sow love

where there is injury pardon,

where there is doubt, faith,

where there is despair, hope!

where there is darkness, light!

where there is sadness, JOY!

Oh, Divine Master, grant that I may not,

so much seek to be consoled as to console,

to be understood as to understand,

to be loved, as to love.

For it is in giving that we receive,

it is in pardoning that we are pardoned,

it is in dying that we are born,

to eternal life

Such an amazing piece, I love this song so much, it truly grasps the true meaning of life.

Wisdom and the Fear of the Lord

So, I have been doing a study on the fear of the Lord. I was challenged in a book to read a chapter in proverbs a day, and when the first day I was overwhelmed by the first 7 verses of the first chapter, I decided to take my own sweet time reading through.

The first thing that stuck out as I read, was verse 7:

The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge.

my thought was- I don't fear God enough.

Think about it, how many times have you been overwhelmed by fear of the amazingly powerful God that we serve?

On the other hand, I don't exactly know what a lifestyle looks like that is filled with this holy fear. So, the next day, I read on:

v. 20

Wisdom cries aloud in the street, in the markets, she raises her voice.

That day (yesterday), as I was walking throughout this magnificent city that I live in, i could not help but picture wisdom standing at the corner of Belden and LP west crying with no one to hear her, or standing by the t-rex in the field museum amid the thousands of people who would walk by her that day alone.

Do you hear wisdom? I know that I don't always hear what she has to say, and I don't pay attention when I probably should.

this morning, I read something great in chapter 2:

My son, if you receive my words
and treasure up my commandments with you,
making your ear attentive to wisdom
and inclining your heart to understanding;
yes, if you call out for insight
and raise your voice for understanding,
if you seek it like silver
and search for it as for hidden treasures,
then you will understand the fear of the LORD
and find the knowledge of God.

So, this morning, i go off to work, not concerned about that I don't know what true fear of the Lord looks like, and not upset that I cannot hear wisdom as I see her shouting wisdom on the street corners. If I truly seek her and long to understand, I will know, God promises it!